I want to run away from Christmas
I think a lot of people do
I don’t want to write about Christmases past
I thought I did
Like Dylan Thomas’ “A Child’s Christmas in Wales”
To tell of happy memories from the past
But I can’t
Too much stuff goes into it
I can’t pull myself back far enough
Detach myself to see it’s blessings and glories
For the hurt I feel now
It is a major accomplishment if I can get through “the holidays”
Without a major emotional meltdown
It takes a lot of effort on my part
To limit what I do and how I feel
Christmas has not ever been especially joyous for me
They have always been very complicated and full of disappointment
Our consumer culture has sold us all a bunch of lies
The happiness can be bought –
There are most precious gifts that can be given that are not bought
But rather given to help others – out of kindness and generosity
Giving from the heart
It’s that what all the movies tell us?
Now, don’t get me wrong
I believe in this season of quiet waiting
This season of giving from the heart
I believe in being with loved ones, sharing time and good cheer
Helping other who may have less than me
To spend more in quiet of this season
I just think we spend too much time and energy
On the wrong things in this season
Instead of spending money we should open our hearts
There should be only 1 week of shopping for Christmas
If we have to have it at all
I would almost rather that Christmas and New Year’s
Were treated as any other ordinary day in the year
Yes, I still want to watch my favorite holiday movies
But I think I am going to flesh out my DVD holiday collection
So I can watch them when I want
And not have to watch all that shameless propaganda what we should buy
I think I will spend more time in quiet enjoying the dark of winter
I will not listen to all the news – I get enough to know what is going on in the world
I will spend time with friends – and find ways to give to those who are in need
I will do some traditional family baking
I will spread good cheer
At Yule time
And leave that Christian holiday to the Christians
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
ordinary pine trees
Ordinary snow spine pine trees
Bristle in winter’s ordinary frigid cold
Hearty against gray sky’s snow veil
Not photogenicly dripped pillowed white splashed
With winter sun’s pale light as in after the storm
Bristle in winter’s ordinary frigid cold
Hearty against gray sky’s snow veil
Not photogenicly dripped pillowed white splashed
With winter sun’s pale light as in after the storm
Monday, November 17, 2008
Alone’s soul sinking ache
Alone’s soul sinking ache
Is more than having Beloved as company
It is this reality of being alone
For now all things are in Alone’s hands
The burden of caring for the present
And worrying of Alone’s future alone
Leaves an almost unbearable ache
There are times when Alone’s heart dreams
Only to wake to a reality of unfulfilled wishes
Alone has no shoulder to cry on
No warm body to curl up next to at night
No toothbrush dripping in the bathroom
Or fishing dirty socks out from under the bed
Alone now struggles
With a dream unfulfilled
Giving gifts limited by opportunity
Of an uncertain future alone
Questions ring in the ears
What will happen to me?
Who will love me?
Who cares?
Don’t accuse Alone of being depressed
Or of not having friends
Or of not caring in return
Being alone with no Beloved
Alone stares starkly at the limits of life
Maybe Alone is deluded
Thinking that Beloved
will be supportive, financially solid, caring
Will know every nook and cranny, joy and sorrow
That with Beloved
Alone’s wings will strengthen spread further
Allow Alone to go places as yet are unexplored
Go to place Alone can’t go
Places where two spirits that come together go
Still, tears burn watering Alone’s soul
In occasional despair of time both gone and unused
Centered firmly in the now
Against Alone’s fears pushes hope
Is more than having Beloved as company
It is this reality of being alone
For now all things are in Alone’s hands
The burden of caring for the present
And worrying of Alone’s future alone
Leaves an almost unbearable ache
There are times when Alone’s heart dreams
Only to wake to a reality of unfulfilled wishes
Alone has no shoulder to cry on
No warm body to curl up next to at night
No toothbrush dripping in the bathroom
Or fishing dirty socks out from under the bed
Alone now struggles
With a dream unfulfilled
Giving gifts limited by opportunity
Of an uncertain future alone
Questions ring in the ears
What will happen to me?
Who will love me?
Who cares?
Don’t accuse Alone of being depressed
Or of not having friends
Or of not caring in return
Being alone with no Beloved
Alone stares starkly at the limits of life
Maybe Alone is deluded
Thinking that Beloved
will be supportive, financially solid, caring
Will know every nook and cranny, joy and sorrow
That with Beloved
Alone’s wings will strengthen spread further
Allow Alone to go places as yet are unexplored
Go to place Alone can’t go
Places where two spirits that come together go
Still, tears burn watering Alone’s soul
In occasional despair of time both gone and unused
Centered firmly in the now
Against Alone’s fears pushes hope
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Samhain 2008-closing the door on grief and facing the fear of living alone
Samhain is a Wiccan time year of letting go of old things, facing up to fears and to prepare, in the quiet of this dark time of the year, for the new. It is a crossroad of the year, a time to make an honest and realistic evaluation of your life. It is deep in the dark and silence of the earth where the seed waits to grow.
This past year has been a very difficult one for me, a year full of loss, sorrow and grief. I have lost a lover. I have lost my beloved cat of 18 years, Ariel. I let go friends that were not positive forces in my life. I have been to edge of woman’s grieving madness. There were times when I wanted to die myself to escape all the pain and sorrow.
Here in the Celtic New Year, I close the door on all that sorrow. In order for me to move along a new road I must let go of those things that have died in my life. This doesn't mean I forget or don't stop to remember. Rather it means it is time for me to move on and put away my grief and sorrow.
The anniversary of Jeff's death is coming up - and that is when I will put the things I have that were his away. I will take down his pictures. I will make one last memorial to him and our time together and to my grief. When these things are put away it will be over and done. On that anniversary I move on.
I spend this season between Samhain and Yule preparing for new things by stepping into the quiet of winter and I focus on caring and loving myself and making myself happy.
Now there is a fear I must face and name – living alone.
I envy my married friends and family – they, at least in theory, have a partner to stand with them in life. To be there, one hopes, through thick and thin. Someone who is there to support and understand.
And I am sure my married friends envy me because I don’t have that attachment. I am free to do as I please, I don’t have to consider another. I don’t have to be responsible for someone else.
As appealing as living alone may sound it is a huge burden to living with someone else – I can’t rely on any one else but myself. There is no one here to take care of me when I am sick. Nor is there someone there whose shoulder I can cry on or turn to when things are rough, even for me to support them throught thick and thin. It is only me to push to get things done, to clean, go to the doctor, take care of financial matters. I don't have anyone else to fall back on. There is no one to balance off my weaknesses or my triumphs. There is no one around to calm me down when life gets too stressful. I am the one who must talk myself down from my panic and fear. I must do it all for myself – I must keep myself in balance. I don't have another to balance off external or intimate to me. I face sorrow and grief alone.
Yes, maybe everyone should try to be this responsible for their own life, but it is hard – especially as I get older. Having faced the deep grief of death, and as I turn to something new, I find that I want to put things in order. To try safeguarding my future – without a significant other if I must.
You might say “well, your friends and family will help.” That only goes so far. Oh! Yes, I have friends who are there for me and who help me out. I have a wonderful posse of friends who have helped me through my grief and sorrow, and I am grateful for their help and understanding. But ultimate I had to face all of those things alone, with my own strength or courage, or even lack of it. I was the one who had dig deep into me and find ways to cope. We all must do that at some points in our lives, but I have to do it all the time.
This is one thing that couples don’t understand about their single friends. Because they are a couple they loose sight of being single, of having to take care of your self in every sense of the word, frequently without the help of others.
I certainly hope that things change for me, that I do find that significant other. But I am also are realist and know that I have to take care of myself without that intimate support.
I don’t want to be pitied rather understood for my struggle. I have the strength to live alone, if I must – and I must for that is where my current reality is. I can tackle only so many problems at a time, work to improve my life. But doing alone with only my courage and resources is limiting.
This maybe where I hit the sociology of being a single woman. Society still looks very differently on single women then it does single men. At least I have sensed and even experienced this. I don't have as much standing in either my family or in society in general. While my parents didn't push me to marry - I am sure they worry because I don't have a man to take care of me. I think my parents still feel a little responsible for me because I haven't married. I think society still holds on to the notion that if a woman isn't marries she is somehow incomplete. That isn't as strong as it use to be, but these notions do still subtly work on how people act over time. Now, I also know, and have experienced this, that single woman don't have as much economic clout. I certainly don't have the financial standing of my married friends. I don't have the same spending power then if I was married.
In trying to shift others perspective away from their personal myopic world - and to give friends and other the chance to see another perspective. For this perspective I ask other to imagine your life without your significant other. What would you have to do to live? What would your life realistically be if you lived alone? What would your life be without that support? that intimacy? the companionship?
This past year has been a very difficult one for me, a year full of loss, sorrow and grief. I have lost a lover. I have lost my beloved cat of 18 years, Ariel. I let go friends that were not positive forces in my life. I have been to edge of woman’s grieving madness. There were times when I wanted to die myself to escape all the pain and sorrow.
Here in the Celtic New Year, I close the door on all that sorrow. In order for me to move along a new road I must let go of those things that have died in my life. This doesn't mean I forget or don't stop to remember. Rather it means it is time for me to move on and put away my grief and sorrow.
The anniversary of Jeff's death is coming up - and that is when I will put the things I have that were his away. I will take down his pictures. I will make one last memorial to him and our time together and to my grief. When these things are put away it will be over and done. On that anniversary I move on.
I spend this season between Samhain and Yule preparing for new things by stepping into the quiet of winter and I focus on caring and loving myself and making myself happy.
Now there is a fear I must face and name – living alone.
I envy my married friends and family – they, at least in theory, have a partner to stand with them in life. To be there, one hopes, through thick and thin. Someone who is there to support and understand.
And I am sure my married friends envy me because I don’t have that attachment. I am free to do as I please, I don’t have to consider another. I don’t have to be responsible for someone else.
As appealing as living alone may sound it is a huge burden to living with someone else – I can’t rely on any one else but myself. There is no one here to take care of me when I am sick. Nor is there someone there whose shoulder I can cry on or turn to when things are rough, even for me to support them throught thick and thin. It is only me to push to get things done, to clean, go to the doctor, take care of financial matters. I don't have anyone else to fall back on. There is no one to balance off my weaknesses or my triumphs. There is no one around to calm me down when life gets too stressful. I am the one who must talk myself down from my panic and fear. I must do it all for myself – I must keep myself in balance. I don't have another to balance off external or intimate to me. I face sorrow and grief alone.
Yes, maybe everyone should try to be this responsible for their own life, but it is hard – especially as I get older. Having faced the deep grief of death, and as I turn to something new, I find that I want to put things in order. To try safeguarding my future – without a significant other if I must.
You might say “well, your friends and family will help.” That only goes so far. Oh! Yes, I have friends who are there for me and who help me out. I have a wonderful posse of friends who have helped me through my grief and sorrow, and I am grateful for their help and understanding. But ultimate I had to face all of those things alone, with my own strength or courage, or even lack of it. I was the one who had dig deep into me and find ways to cope. We all must do that at some points in our lives, but I have to do it all the time.
This is one thing that couples don’t understand about their single friends. Because they are a couple they loose sight of being single, of having to take care of your self in every sense of the word, frequently without the help of others.
I certainly hope that things change for me, that I do find that significant other. But I am also are realist and know that I have to take care of myself without that intimate support.
I don’t want to be pitied rather understood for my struggle. I have the strength to live alone, if I must – and I must for that is where my current reality is. I can tackle only so many problems at a time, work to improve my life. But doing alone with only my courage and resources is limiting.
This maybe where I hit the sociology of being a single woman. Society still looks very differently on single women then it does single men. At least I have sensed and even experienced this. I don't have as much standing in either my family or in society in general. While my parents didn't push me to marry - I am sure they worry because I don't have a man to take care of me. I think my parents still feel a little responsible for me because I haven't married. I think society still holds on to the notion that if a woman isn't marries she is somehow incomplete. That isn't as strong as it use to be, but these notions do still subtly work on how people act over time. Now, I also know, and have experienced this, that single woman don't have as much economic clout. I certainly don't have the financial standing of my married friends. I don't have the same spending power then if I was married.
In trying to shift others perspective away from their personal myopic world - and to give friends and other the chance to see another perspective. For this perspective I ask other to imagine your life without your significant other. What would you have to do to live? What would your life realistically be if you lived alone? What would your life be without that support? that intimacy? the companionship?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
My life's purpose
I live to nurture creation’s fiery light deep in all our souls by acting with wisdom and truth and passionate creativity through all I do in life, empowering the connection with life’s mysterious wonderment so we all may learn to live in love, caring, and grace.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Ariel Pumpkin 1990-2008
The nights are whats hardest
Part of the bed is empty
Your pillows gone
Your blanket off to be washed
And my heart breaks missing you
Especially in the middle of the night
When I would reach out to give you a little scratch
You would trill to me
Sleepily slant your eyes at me
And start purring
Or
You might stretch out one paw
As if to say to me
"Awwww, hi mom, pet me"
You sat on the corner of the bed
When I came home
Sqawking at me "where have you been all day"
We then had our greeting
Me laying on the bed
and you would walk around looking to be petted
Being scooped up and put on my belly
To have your face and shoulders scratched
That was your favorite place to be scratch
Well, you all loved your ruff under your chin scratched too.
I loved it when you would crawl under the covers with me
Though damn sometimes it took a long time for you to make up your mind!
You loved to get picked up and put on my ample breasts
Stretch out to have your tummy rubbed
Petted down your long grey tabby body
There we would sit watching TV
You knew me so well
When to let me sleep on Saturday mornings
You just love being with me
Hanging out with me on the bed
My whole apartment is empty without you
Wandering around
Curling around my legs for attention
Sitting in windows talking to the birds
It is at night
Your warm furry purring form
Keeping me company
That I so deeply miss you
I reach out to where you slept
You are not there
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Having my friendship "cab light" on
This, for me, falls under the category of small epiphanies.
I have started a workshop focusing on discovering what I need and wanted in a loving, intimate, romantic relationship. One of the phrases repeated as last night's session was having my "cab-light" on to attract the desired partner.
Well, as I headed home last night for this session I felt a little intimidated by the idea of having my "cab-light" on most of the time looking for the right guy. Somehow I fear that having my light on will attract undesired sort of men, but then that is what boundaries are for. Still I had not convinced myself that this was such a good idea.
Then this epiphany hit me, put my cab-light on to attract new friends. Now I do want to attract new good friends into my circle. In the past year I have had to end friendships that were not healthy for me. Now I want to attract friendships that are healthy for me and putting my cab-light on, in this way, for my soul and psyche seems to be a more comfortable way to move forward, as well as priming the my head and how I project what I want to the outside world to attract the right guy for me.
So now I can say to myself - yes my "cab-light" is on to attract new friends into my life - including that special guy friend.
I have started a workshop focusing on discovering what I need and wanted in a loving, intimate, romantic relationship. One of the phrases repeated as last night's session was having my "cab-light" on to attract the desired partner.
Well, as I headed home last night for this session I felt a little intimidated by the idea of having my "cab-light" on most of the time looking for the right guy. Somehow I fear that having my light on will attract undesired sort of men, but then that is what boundaries are for. Still I had not convinced myself that this was such a good idea.
Then this epiphany hit me, put my cab-light on to attract new friends. Now I do want to attract new good friends into my circle. In the past year I have had to end friendships that were not healthy for me. Now I want to attract friendships that are healthy for me and putting my cab-light on, in this way, for my soul and psyche seems to be a more comfortable way to move forward, as well as priming the my head and how I project what I want to the outside world to attract the right guy for me.
So now I can say to myself - yes my "cab-light" is on to attract new friends into my life - including that special guy friend.
The Cyclone
The Cyclone
The Cyclone
On a July evening
Clear cloudless twilight
Coney Island’s midway begins to light up
The night sky with its neon glow
Carnival sounds filled the air
Hawkers of games of chance
Children sticky with cotton candy
Bells, whistles, laughter
In this magical reality bending
Carni land
A rickety roar
Scream out loud laughter
Draws you in the direction of
The Cyclone
A roller coaster of renowned
The spectacular ocean view
Takes your breath away
Just before you are thrown
Down in stomach sinking terror
You are tipped off
Head long down a 60° hill
Then whipped around a curve
By sheer speed and gravity
A bone jarring
Wooden rickety
Teeth chattering
Body vibrator
Adrenalin rush
Lightener of the soul and spirit
1 minute 50 seconds of therapy
Making life a little lighter
The Cyclone
On a July evening
Clear cloudless twilight
Coney Island’s midway begins to light up
The night sky with its neon glow
Carnival sounds filled the air
Hawkers of games of chance
Children sticky with cotton candy
Bells, whistles, laughter
In this magical reality bending
Carni land
A rickety roar
Scream out loud laughter
Draws you in the direction of
The Cyclone
A roller coaster of renowned
The spectacular ocean view
Takes your breath away
Just before you are thrown
Down in stomach sinking terror
You are tipped off
Head long down a 60° hill
Then whipped around a curve
By sheer speed and gravity
A bone jarring
Wooden rickety
Teeth chattering
Body vibrator
Adrenalin rush
Lightener of the soul and spirit
1 minute 50 seconds of therapy
Making life a little lighter
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Last night's sunset
Yesterday's twilight sunset
took my breath away
It was one of those displays
That strips away the grimy varnish of the city
And casts a shockingly clear light
Hued orange pink
On twilight dipped facades
While ominous grey-blue clouds
Filled the sky
Casting everywhere but for the brillant sunlight
Only some low hanging cloud puffs
Were painted pink by the sun
I just stood there and watched
This play of Light and Dark
took my breath away
It was one of those displays
That strips away the grimy varnish of the city
And casts a shockingly clear light
Hued orange pink
On twilight dipped facades
While ominous grey-blue clouds
Filled the sky
Casting everywhere but for the brillant sunlight
Only some low hanging cloud puffs
Were painted pink by the sun
I just stood there and watched
This play of Light and Dark
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My New York City
My New York City is not the city of Fifth Avenue and Tiffanys. My New York City is more humble, not as swank or stylish. It is a city I live in, traipse and travel around, and always marvel at. My New York City is about waiting; waiting for the bus, subway, to be seated at a table. It is about everyday hard working people who are not all that rich. New York City is the place I live and work in. New York City's glitter is what it projects to the rest of the world, but beneath the glitter is a far more grittier, gutsier place.
For me New York City has an energy, an electricity to it. I am always being caught in of New York City, its vitality, its bravado, how it moves 16 million people a day through its five bouroughs.
But I have found that you can't let New York City over take you, overwhelm you, or let the wool be pulled over your eyes. It can seem fast and hold out endless, dazzling amusements that can make any persons head spin. Don't be taking in by this 24/7 city - if you try to run at its pace you will burn yourself out.
For me New York City has an energy, an electricity to it. I am always being caught in of New York City, its vitality, its bravado, how it moves 16 million people a day through its five bouroughs.
But I have found that you can't let New York City over take you, overwhelm you, or let the wool be pulled over your eyes. It can seem fast and hold out endless, dazzling amusements that can make any persons head spin. Don't be taking in by this 24/7 city - if you try to run at its pace you will burn yourself out.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
9/11
This emotional glass has been filling up for a few days now. I find myself holding my breath in anticiaption of this day. Then there are the memories. Where I was, what I did, the decisions I made. They play in my mind like an amatuer movie skipping along the time line. It is tiring to play the movie. It starts and stops in strange places.
Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.
I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.
- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.
It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.
- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.
There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.
Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.
I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.
- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.
It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.
- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.
There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
For Jeff
Well, there we have it. A quiet visit back to where it all began. Heavens, I miss you. It seems much of the anger and disappointment doesn't hurt so much. That does mean I have forgotten, just tempered it. While we had good times, in the end we weren't meant for each other - it hurt that I had to make that call, but that is how it goes. I was there at the Temper of Dendar - remember? You were late getting to the museum - it was after all Marathon Sunday. I talked to you, called you to remember too. It was in the Temple you kissed me and caught me hook line and sinker. I wanted to remember the sweet warm memories, your deep brown eyes, you huge warm hugs - and my heart pinched with the pain of missing you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, a tiny part of my heart is yours - but my whole heart no longer hurts - you are gone and I must move on in life and love.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Mice
Okay - I have to let off a little steam......Those damn mice! I have caught 14 and there are still 2-3 running around. My landlord claims he has put traps down, but damn they seem to be digging in my plants and I seem to be catching all of them! I am getting tired of this crap! I clean my kitchen only to have soil dug up by the next morning. I was in there kitchen and came face to face with one of those little buggers, He has a piece out of one of his ears - I could have caught if I was quick enough, but it was also 3 AM and I was in my birthday suit - not really in a position to go escort him to my local park. It is just so discouraging - no matter what I do the situation doesn't seem to get any better. I am getting to the point where I don't want to use humane traps anymore - I just want them gone! I don't know what else to do and I don't want to have to be dealing with this during the winter. I am so frustrated and angry - I just don't know what to do.
I may have to give up most of my plants and I just hate doing that - I love having plants and it is tearing my heart out to have to give them up.
I may have to give up most of my plants and I just hate doing that - I love having plants and it is tearing my heart out to have to give them up.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Healing past hurts
It is deep and dark
A smoldering wound
Red hot anger
Simmering
The hurt
That they caused me
And I bring down on myself
Hot tears of self reproach
What salve will sooth this wound
Heal this deep hurt
Learning the lesson that pain teaches
Right now they still smart
Of self recrimination
Consoling through wisdom of perspective
Telling myself things between us just didn’t work out
Or simple time
Soothing the wound by looking at it
Only from time to time
And just letting it be
That over time is slowly changes
A smoldering wound
Red hot anger
Simmering
The hurt
That they caused me
And I bring down on myself
Hot tears of self reproach
What salve will sooth this wound
Heal this deep hurt
Learning the lesson that pain teaches
Right now they still smart
Of self recrimination
Consoling through wisdom of perspective
Telling myself things between us just didn’t work out
Or simple time
Soothing the wound by looking at it
Only from time to time
And just letting it be
That over time is slowly changes
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ariel
I started a post about my beloved cat, Ariel, a couple of days ago and stopped because I thought what I had to say was too personal. Well I have changed my mind, maybe because I am slowly coming to terms with a decision I made.
Ariel is 17 years old - elderly in human years. She has been doing pretty well up until last week. She does have kidney disease which has been under control for 3 years. The episode last week I feel is a warning to me that I better pay attention because her life maybe coming to an end sooner then I imagined. The episode has forced me to face that possibility and other decisions that I have made.
First, I am going to let this take their natural course from here on out. I am not going to frantically try and keep her alive. Part of this decision is economics on my part, as I don't have money to spend on prolonged treatment for a condition that will eventually kill her, but it is also about my cats quality of life as she comes to the end of her life. I want her to be in comfortable surroundings. I also don't want to cause her extra anxiety by always taking her to the vet or emergency room. Furthermore, I want her to be happy where she is, to know that she is loved.
It is hard to make this kind of choice. On one hand to spend money to try and keep her going to do what ever I humanly can, but at what expense to her happiness and my pockebook, that is the key question. I even talked to Ariel last night and told her what I was doing. Heavens knows if she understood, but maybe in some way she did.
I guess this is my way of preparing myself, as well as I can, for what will eventually happen. I really have to take this a day at a time, even an hour at a time if I must. And I can't stop my life, I have to keep doing things like food shopping and laundry and even going out and having fun with friends. I have to try to keep my life in balance while we go through this process.
Ariel is 17 years old - elderly in human years. She has been doing pretty well up until last week. She does have kidney disease which has been under control for 3 years. The episode last week I feel is a warning to me that I better pay attention because her life maybe coming to an end sooner then I imagined. The episode has forced me to face that possibility and other decisions that I have made.
First, I am going to let this take their natural course from here on out. I am not going to frantically try and keep her alive. Part of this decision is economics on my part, as I don't have money to spend on prolonged treatment for a condition that will eventually kill her, but it is also about my cats quality of life as she comes to the end of her life. I want her to be in comfortable surroundings. I also don't want to cause her extra anxiety by always taking her to the vet or emergency room. Furthermore, I want her to be happy where she is, to know that she is loved.
It is hard to make this kind of choice. On one hand to spend money to try and keep her going to do what ever I humanly can, but at what expense to her happiness and my pockebook, that is the key question. I even talked to Ariel last night and told her what I was doing. Heavens knows if she understood, but maybe in some way she did.
I guess this is my way of preparing myself, as well as I can, for what will eventually happen. I really have to take this a day at a time, even an hour at a time if I must. And I can't stop my life, I have to keep doing things like food shopping and laundry and even going out and having fun with friends. I have to try to keep my life in balance while we go through this process.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Cold sufferings
Here we go
Starts as a tickle
Then a scratch
That no swallowing or water
Will make go away
So out comes the home remedy
hot cider vinager or salt water
But by morning that hasn't worked
It is now a prickly sharp ring of fire
So now I can't swallow without wincing
painkillers don't work fast enough
Hot Lemonade works
Until the painkiller kick in
While I am trying not to swallow
A little drip starts in my nose
little sniffles
One nostril gets stuffed
Then the other
Then both
I hate not being able to breath through my nose
So snuff the decongestants
Swallow
Through the ring of prickly fire
Antihistamines
Hoping to head off my head becoming a cement bowling ball
Wrong
Come morning two
I can't lift my head off the pillow
I don't know how ordinary people do it
Function with a cold
Go to work, drive, wash the dishes
Sure they take the same drugs I do
But they seem to be able to think and hold intellegent conversations
Pppllleeeaaasssse
I can barely get out of bed
to pee, if I must
to feed the cat, can't let her starve
But then it is back to bed
To find the inside of my eyelids
And hope the pressure will go away
Another day can pass
Before finally
The fog begins to lift
The sinus pressure drops
Post nasal drip begins
Snuffling it back
Then coughing it up
That rasp in the back of the throat
That I can hear and then can't get to sleep
So up I get to take the cough medicine
Then to stare at my ceiling
To then drift off
Finally getting a decent nights sleep
And maybe I will go to work tomorrow
If I can not be a space cadet
Starts as a tickle
Then a scratch
That no swallowing or water
Will make go away
So out comes the home remedy
hot cider vinager or salt water
But by morning that hasn't worked
It is now a prickly sharp ring of fire
So now I can't swallow without wincing
painkillers don't work fast enough
Hot Lemonade works
Until the painkiller kick in
While I am trying not to swallow
A little drip starts in my nose
little sniffles
One nostril gets stuffed
Then the other
Then both
I hate not being able to breath through my nose
So snuff the decongestants
Swallow
Through the ring of prickly fire
Antihistamines
Hoping to head off my head becoming a cement bowling ball
Wrong
Come morning two
I can't lift my head off the pillow
I don't know how ordinary people do it
Function with a cold
Go to work, drive, wash the dishes
Sure they take the same drugs I do
But they seem to be able to think and hold intellegent conversations
Pppllleeeaaasssse
I can barely get out of bed
to pee, if I must
to feed the cat, can't let her starve
But then it is back to bed
To find the inside of my eyelids
And hope the pressure will go away
Another day can pass
Before finally
The fog begins to lift
The sinus pressure drops
Post nasal drip begins
Snuffling it back
Then coughing it up
That rasp in the back of the throat
That I can hear and then can't get to sleep
So up I get to take the cough medicine
Then to stare at my ceiling
To then drift off
Finally getting a decent nights sleep
And maybe I will go to work tomorrow
If I can not be a space cadet
Friday, August 1, 2008
Instances of Awe
Fresh calm quiet
Summer mornings
Dew sparkling on sun dappled green grass
Fleeting to time and the warm summer sun
Thursday, July 31, 2008
NYC pet peeves - 1
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
assumptions and expections
This lesson of assumption and expectation has been visited on me recently, along with the humility of trying to learn the lesson. When such vulnerabilities are exposed my assumptions and expectation took over seemingly either to explain or defend myself, and I end up hurting not just myself but others as well.
And yet it takes a willingness to be vulnerable that can expose assumptions and expectations for what they are – facades, mirages hiding all kinds of secrets. They are illusions that are mirrors reflecting back at us only what we want to see. Vulnerability puts a crack in those mirrors and exposes those facades and mirages and can expose the truth underneath.
That truth can show that life can be more ambiguous and less defined, more messy and chaotic but also creative and wonderful and full of possibilities that expectations and assumptions can cut off, or be made to conform.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Around and about in New York City
8:30 a.m. Star sighting
It was a flash of recognition
Only on my part
He didn’t know me from Adam
But I had seen him many times
White House News Correspondent of “West Wing”
Brother to Kevin Costner in “Field of Dreams”
I was probably the only one
In that Subway car
Who knew who he was
And being a New Yorker
I let it slide by
Going about my regular routine
Only one added glance
To verify for me he was who he was
Since his coloring had greyed
And when I glanced again he was gone
Maybe off at the
Maybe
I am not sure
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
carousel of ideas
My brain never seems to stop. Spinning around the carousel of endless personal psycho babble and unfulfilled, out of reach dreams of wanting, wanting more money, a special relationship, more exciting/challenging job, different home, to redecorate, to build, create, write. All the time spinning around in my mind and in my gut. All of this has lead me to stop chasing this stuff, to stop and just be. I have to credit the Dalai Lama for getting me to see this in this way. He spoke of Americans being greedy - and we are. No wonder we are obsese and stressed out. We always want more. The real grace is to live with less. And it isn't just money or possessions that we are greedy for, it is for being happy - or at least numb by drugs. We are greedy for land, resources, ideas.
Now this is not to say that I/we shouldn't work toward things or try to acheive important goals. I think we need to work for things, but what I think is that we have gotten too far out of balance in that we want all the time, to the point where we don't know how to just be.
Now this is not to say that I/we shouldn't work toward things or try to acheive important goals. I think we need to work for things, but what I think is that we have gotten too far out of balance in that we want all the time, to the point where we don't know how to just be.
moments of awe
What a way to start a blog - with something I love to do - write poems. I love to write about things that catch my eye, a lot like my photography. I also like to try to catch moments of awe and turn them into words. Here is what caught my eye today.
Look to rain soaked trees
Summer dawn is yawning awake
Heavy with moisture
Sunlit misty air
Rain drops hang as fluid crystals
Strung along tree limbs
A necklace catching sunlight
Lifting the sticky dew
Making the air glisten
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