Magical Nights

Let the darkness come
As twilight fades
The stars begin to dapple the sky
Now fire to glow
Mysteries meet
Spirits open to the Universe
It flows free
Those who know it
Open their hearts
Revel and ride with it
Dancing life’s light energy
Journeying to the inside of a candle flame
Knowing love deep in the heart
That is of all things loving wonder

forgiving

Forgiving is found in loving
Not some innocent naïve love
Rather the caring of hurt
To see a heart and love it
Especially when trampled and torn
It is your own heart you must love
In order to forgive
In loving your own heart and it’s hurt
You can then see into other’s heart
And in seeing your hurt in their hearts
The limitations of life and loving
Then you continue loving

Good bye 2009

Here I am - on New Year's Eve - for once - alone - and I welcome it. I am surrounded by candle and xmas lights, music that fills my heart full of hope, and my eyes shine with my own happiness. I have banana bread baking in the oven, took a nap with my beloved Soma, and have movies queued up for the evening.

As twilight falls and the witching hours draws closer I will take on of my shower/baths and wash away 2009. I will have a new skin to grow into for 2010. As a wash away 2009 there are things that will stay with me, the new friends I have, the strength, courage and wisdom I have found and most especially the love that I share with others.

I feel happy tonight. I feel strong. I feel hopeful for the future. I am positive. Tonight I am not going mourn what has been lost - as most of you know I have done enough of that already. Tonight I choose to being in light of Love, hope and courage.

So, I give myself and everyone else a Very Happy New Year with all the Love and Hope that come from the future.

Gummy Bears

Personally I prefer the red ones
But then there are these very pale yellow ones
Like the color of champagne
Or pear flavored life savers
That I liked too
I would get them at the college sweet shop
Just before going to the Science Fiction Group
Where I was introduced to world opening experiences of
Buckaroo Bonsai
Japanese Anime
Dr. Who
Red Dwarf
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Where our code phrase was
“Give me the Locknar, you bitch”
It was there
I blame Danny
With his innocuous brown paper bag
Filled with Gummy Bears
And I would surreptitiously dip my hand in that bag
Pulling out these cute sweet delights
Savoring their squishy – jell-o like forms
Between tongue and teeth
That was infinitely more interesting than popcorn
Becoming for all of us that mindless movie snack
One sweet spot in my otherwise ambivalent college existence

celebrating winter

It takes Thanksgiving being over for me to think the harvest is over and winter is here.

This weekend I opened my soul to winter. I welcomed in the bare beauty of the earth, especially the trees. They are beautiful with no leaves - their elegant structure and design. I welcome in the long nights and dark silence. I love that the sun is low in the sky and everything has long shadows. I love especially the evening twilight - that to me is a magical time to watch the day turn to night.

The lights and music of Yule help brighten the beauty of winter - and the challenge is keeping the beauty going in the middle of January - but we will deal with that when it gets here.

Samhain 2009

Since this is my witch's new year - it is a turning of the year - at time to honor the dead and ancestors - the beginning of winter and getting ready to hibernate and deal with the darkness - I have something I want to share.

My old angers are gone. With the possibility of cancer, my outlook on life has shifted significantly. I was incredibly angry and frustrated - mostly at myself - but that spilled over to others. I was angry and frustrated that I would let people down, that I would fail people, I was angry at myself for not achieving my goals and just taking situations and people far too serious - especially myself. I wanted to pull it where others weren't willing or ready to go. I was also afraid that others didn't love me - and honestly I didn't love myself. I hope others can forgive me my anger, my frustrations and my silly notions.

Having now to fight a tumor - I quickly realized that I am loved - by many and that I love myself as well. I had to - If I am going to beat this tumor I have to love and take care of myself - that anger - long burning anger - just wasn't worth it. I gave up those silly notions - I gave up on the idea that I have to be great leader/be in control/I have to pull everyone along/get them to do what they are suppose to do. That is my just being plain too serious and stress out. In refocus on the important things in life these angers and frustrations just didn't seem worth it anymore - they weren't as important as loving and forgiving myself and loving and forgiving other. I had to deeply love myself and forgive myself and I hope other will be able to forgive me my anger and frustration.

So in this new year I really want to focus on love - love of myself and love of others and sharing that love and making that love happy and fun and joyful. That is my Samhain wish for 2009. I have rediscovered love, deep love, for myself, other and life and I will work to make this the most important thing this year and through out the rest of my life. I rededicate myself to Love of Life with all of who I am.

Dumplings and Laundry

The night streamed past us
In car headlights headed to Bloomfield Ave.
We walked along the bumpy sidewalks
With our wire carts before us
Filled with dirty clothes- detergent – fabric softener
Hand bags clutched to the handles
Filled with coveted quarters for doing laundry
We bumped and tripped our way toward the Laundromat
And the Chinese takeout next door
We would load our clothes into the washing machines
The head to the Chinese place
To find a table and place an order of fried dumplings
Dumprings – as they would say
And a deck of cards would come out
Gin Rummy was the preferred game
As our clothes tumbled and spun
First to get wet and washed – then to dry
As we played our evening of cards
And snacked on fried dumplings
Treats in a time of little spare money
Basking momentarily in a friendship now long in years

Morning Glories

Morning Glories
Are summer morning gladness
Bouncing on a sunny breeze
Magenta striped blue purple
Delicate pale pink
Traditional blue
Blossoms that seem to bob along
Fences and walls
Small shouts of gay laughter
In the city’s noisy
Seemingly barren concrete and steel jungle
In seeing them
I too turn my face to the sun
And let breeze wash my face
Knowing I am glad

Coming Autumn

A maudlin mood came over me
So let me blame the sun
Casting mornings waning summer light
Across a dust black street and rough sandy concrete sidewalks
She is rising later and later these days
And so she caught me to tell me so
It was that she lit the side walk at all
That caught my eye
Usually during summer
When I pass across this pavement and sidewalk
They aren’t splashed in sunshine
Usually the Sun is already up in the sky
Where taller buildings and el subway platforms block her light
So her light this morning
Stirred something in me
Of ripening and reaping
Of long nights and letting go
Coming autumn

Gangster Solitaire

The four of hearts seemed so vulnerable
Only the three of clubs kept her company
She was surrounded by Black Kings
Black and Red retinue trailing behind them
She had no where to move
No black five would give her refuge
She didn't want to become just another in the line
The other cards
Shifted and move to get the best position
The Queen of Clubs had her Jack
And was prepared to be flattered by his company
But only until the King of Hearts came along
To sweep her off her feet
The Aces don't do nothin
They are four Divas just waiting
Just waiting
Hanging around for all the other action to end
The tension tightens
As cards in threes file past the seven spaces
To see if they will be seated at a table
If they will be allowed to join one of the royal retinues
Everyone is eager to fit
But in good order
Black Red Black Red or
Red Black Red Black
The four of Hearts and her lonely three of clubs
Watch the cards flip by
Almost mocking all who are on the board
The all stare back with a nonchalant hardness
Which comes with a lot of boredom and waiting
Finally out of desperation
The player chooses another game
So the four of hearts was never rescued
Only to show up in another game
Searching for her black five.

Time Warp

Cocky 1930's gangsters
Feeling the control of the world
At the end of a tommy gun
Or Maria Antionette
And let them eat cake
Or the Prisoner
with mind numbing boredom
and 60's solitaire cards taunting me
about the sheer stupidity of today
Fanciful has my mind journey
with no barrier of imagination

Tiger Lilies of Woosamansa Road

This is always one of my favorite roads to drive
Not only that but I love saying it too
Woosamansa
I love the word
Even if I don’t know the Native American meaning
Woosamansa Road
We call it an old cow path
As it twists and turning through the Jersey hills
Old farmsteads come and go on either side
Of the dapple June shaded road
Speckled with sunshine
There are sharp turns left then right
Then woosh around a corner
Down the hill
Next to a stone wall holding the hill at bay
And right next to you
Is a bank of tiger lilies
Waving burnt orange blossoms on the breeze
In front of a stone colonial house
I love driving this road
When I have the chance
Especially when I was young
for all its twists and turns
But also for it countryside historic beauty
The colonial houses
The white one-room schoolhouse
That switchback turn onto Poor Farm Road
Woosamansa Road finally runs
Out to the local highway
Away from the cool dappled
June shaded country
Leaving behind
Those brilliant orange tongues
Beautiful summer fire blossoms
Of the earth’s simple soulful beauty
And some evocative nostalgia
Of youth and summers past

No regrets

I have always lived with the motto
No regrets
It isn’t worth it to look to the past
And wish for what might have been
The past is what it is
Why get caught up in the what if’s
If this or If that
Things I never felt I had
To make my dreams come true
And now wishing I had
Only leads my heart to ache
The small turns in life
Living life a little on the fly
Look now
The glass is half full
With no regrets

Hmm - not sure what to call this

Heavens - you must think i am crazy - all this anger. Well, yes I am to some degree, but I am not going to suject you to this any more. I have started a seperate blog where I can let my angry words run wild and get them out of me. There I will let my anger be my muse. Please feel free to check it out when ever you want. And in between all the anger - any "nice" poems that come out I will post here.

Be well and Blessed Be,
Carolyn

http://princessbard-angerstalk.blogspot.com/

Rage pushed aside

Is this my ghost
Rage pushed aside
Afraid of myself
I didn’t know what to do with it
A woman’s rage
of the horrible truth and knowing
Pain caused in the name of love
all the slights suffered
The more insidious misogyny
Afraid of complete destruction
Burning Madness
Chasing Rage’s illusions
Trapped by going Mad in grief
Never coming back
Reeking havoc
Creating a void
Kali burning in me
A scorched landscape
Fire destroyed
By dragon winged destroyer
Pele’s destructive creation
Just let it burn
Let the flames run through me
Hot flowing lava consume
For I must own it
For to push it awayLeaves it to wander unresolved unclaimed

Subway Preacher

He got on at 66th Street
And got off at 72nd
Tell us all to go and study
The Bible all day
And pray
For the end of the world was coming to end
And we better get around to getting ready
And as he first uttered
Those loud words
A subtle shutter went through the subway car
As 50 or so people ears suddenly did want to listen
And put up some invisible barrier to his words
Some turned up the volume on their ipods
Others glared at him
Perturbed that their silence was broken
Or their nap interrupted
Others went on with their quiet conversations
But there was no escaping his loud urgent words
And the fact he considered all of us lost sheep
Or Divine children gone astray
That as adults
We weren’t capable of making our own choices
That our lives and loves were all wrong
And there lies my rub
An intolerance of being told what I should do
Or that I am not leading a good life now
Or that by stealing myself away from life
I will preserve my life
These are why I closed my ears to listening to him

Finding the awe in the ordinary

Many find NYC awesome
To me it is ordinary
The place in which I live out my everyday life
Ordinary to me
Is what others find extraordinary
Riding packed subway trains at any hour in 24
Having little personal space
Adding my hustle and bustle
To eight million others who hustle and bustle
Walking on asphalt and concrete streets
Along towering canyons of glass and steel
Changing neighborhoods from block to block
Hearing the chattering sing song
Of more languages than I can count
The awe in this ordinary
Is the silence in all the magnitude
And the overlooked singularity
I can only hear it at a distance
While on the el line looking at the skyline
Knowing that behind all those windows
Sometimes noisy things are going on
But from the subway window I only see the buildings
Vast bee hives of activity that I can’t see or hear
Or to look over a sea of humanity
To pick on individual to follow their unique path
Though it has been trampled by millions
And so obscured or missed by only but a few
Believe me there is silence in this city
A place where only seeing past the obvious glittering facade
Through the barrier of glass or air
To where the seeming extraordinary is ordinary

New York City nights

Were I a giant
And New York City
A luminous carpet
Against the night
I could tiptoe among the lights
And pick the prettiest
As a bright glowing bouquet
Let the rest of this glitter lighted grid
Spread out before me
To wander in
As if in
Black grassy fields
Covered in sparkling morning dew
To splash up sparks and fireworks
On my feet
Then I could take in all this amazing buzzing city
And its infinite dazzling wonders



I could gather up
Night lighted
New York City
As a luminous bouquet
To fill my arms
Buzzing with hundreds of languages
Or busy working ants in all those sky scrapers



In a yellow cab crossing the Queensboro Bridge
Into Long Island City Queens
Notice that New York City
Is all laid out before you
And in an instant I want to swallow in whole
All the light of the night
The Pepsi-Cola sign on the East River
The Chrysler Building
And let it light me up inside

Spring Cherry Blossom Showers

Dreary grey the spring morning
Still threatening rain
Damp seeped in to the tired chill air
In the slightest swirl
They were all around
Delicate pink white
Cherry blossom petals
Drifting and dancing
And all of a sudden someone
Turned on a warm light
Playful happy

Plato’s illusion of shadows

Plato’s illusion of shadows

It is a dream
that we are taught
that most girls carry around
and for most come true
but mine became a
secretive fanciful illusion
played out in wishful thinking
and fantastical imagination
Filling the little empty times of the day
to where is has become
a crutch of daily life
spinning its thread
into an almost imperceptible
gossamer cocoon holding me back
disappointment burns inside me
how I have stood
and look at these shadows
dancing on the wall
chained to sugar coated dreams
that kept me drugged for their perpetuation
instead of me turning and facing reality
all kinds of things held me there
but mostly all kinds of fear
I gave the dreams power
to abuse and warp my dream into
protecting me from pain and disappointment
but fear’s shadow’s really kept me
from seeing hopeful genuine possibility

Triumph's threshold

Short is my feeling of triumph
for seeming to cross a threshold
maybe of realization
or silly giving in to self acceptance
for I fight myself
and for myself
and finally give up
and there is the threshold
I give up being afraid of the dark
trying to get a solid night of sleep
controlling things I can’t control
adjusting to the way things are now
and forever in flux
subtly shifting focus
as shifting my weight from one foot to another
or closing one eye
then switching
my triumph is still there
though not as ecstatic
of calm happy knowing
I have shifted to a better place

The Pueblo Wind

The Pueblo wind
Swept across the desert into my window
Warm swift
Whispered quickly in my ear
After the storm
Shook me from self indulgent mire
Of disappointment and dashed expectations
Sharp light clear
Made shadows dance around me
Lit through silk orange pink curtains
Seeing time philosophical
A journey not rushed before it’s time
Reflected upon through a prism of
Of measured hopeful ends

Spot among winter's trees

Here is my spot
Just enough clearing
Among the bare winter saplings
Surround me to all horizons
Nimble architecture of branches
Poke their grey leafless limbs
To the blinding bright blue sky
Let me be one
Where the winter wind still clatters in my branches
Toes gripping the cold earth
Fingers stretch out tall
My soft pink bark to know the elements
To feel the first signs of Spring

Will Winter never end?

Good grief! Will Winter never end?
I know it will but right now I have either the winter blahs or cabin fever. I want to get out side and do something - ANYTHING. It is boring just going back and forth to work - being inside all the time. I am dreaming of laying out on green grass, under spring sunshine, with birds singing and bugs buzzing, soaking in Spring. But to step outside today - blah.....gray!

A little help from St. Theresa

Today it was St. Theresa’s prayer
Maybe
That helped me
Slay the monster ambition
Aroused by a whisper
About something I want
But am not ready for
I remembered I have the power to choose
How I react – How to view it –
How to not let it rob me of my inner peace
It was on the subway ride home
When I slew the monster
By realizing the monster ambition
Was an illusion

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Turning negatives into positives

Let’s talk depression and anxiety

This has always been true in my life and something I think I learned from my father – that long walks, especially in winter, can give you answers to what is troubling you. As far back as I can remember always having the urge to take a long walk and preferably talk to a trusted friend to help me work something out. That is certainly true of today. It was on a long walk that I had a little epiphany.

It always starts when something gets knocked in my world. Something changes. The negative thinking begins. It pulls me off my positive thinking – the negative thinking starts, the worry starts. And sometimes no matter what I do I can’t get the positive, the negative thinking just takes over and is a relentless circle – like a dog chasing its tail. Then suddenly I am shaken out of it. It is little things and maybe I am getting better at seeing the pattern soon and so don’t let the negative pattern take hold. I hate that sometimes it can be such a battle to be positive again – to break the grip of negative thinking, but when I do break it I feel always a renewed sense of purpose and genuine hope. So what was it this time that got me back to the positive? Like I said it is little things – an article from my sister about depression and how the slightest stressor can start the negative circle, then realizing that getting out and helping other people gets me both out of the “focus only on me-feel sorry for myself – me, me, me” cycle but it gives me a reality check on others who are either better or worse off then me. I connect with others instead of being isolated by myself. When I am depressed I can’t even muster trust and hope – my spiritual practice becomes like ash about me – it feels as if I can use it or trust it. Negative thoughts for me are like alcohol to an alcoholic – the negativity just doesn’t stop.

But there are times, like my walk this morning, when I realize that I doing the negative dance and I stop – I get my reality check – my positive thinking returns and my problems don’t seem quiet so insurmountable. And all that trusting I did - even when it felt like I couldn't trust anything - well - I really was trusting - trusting myself. And that is what ultimately opens me up to the answer or insight I need.

Wild Mustang Fears

Panic’s wild mustangs race through my body
Wanting only to escape
Tossing me out of control
A wild stampede down the narrow canyon
Along the dry bed of the arroyo
Throwing up dust of my illusions
Racing forward to me
Gathering in me
As in a chorale
They come in close mingle
Press in on me
Jockey for position
As a sunset turns rocks glowing warm in twilight
What do I name first
They gather around
Jostle me for attention
Who comes forward first
The bold one is “She who fears that hoped for things will fall apart”
And her faol “Uncertainty”
She nudges my hand with her muzzle seeking attention
But “She who fears the future being alone”
and her faol “ no one has my back – only me”
Nudges in for attention
“She who sees what she wants but is scared that others will stand in the way”
Her faol is “Other’s misconceptions and assumptions”
She comes to me all most in tears – seeking comfort and reassurance
Look in her deep brown eyes and stroke her withers
Hug her and bury fearful tears in her warm coat
They are still wild – they buck and rear
Panic flash from their brown eyes
They still rampage around and inside me
Then the shy one “She who is confident and knows where she is going”
She is quietly at the edges of the herd slowly moving to be near the center
To nudge my hand and leads
Just walk slowly
Talk to them as they follow along
Chased away the fears
Trust me – trust yourself – trust the deep inner calm
Walk along the dusty arroyo
Look to Lady Stardust’s simmering night
In darkening evening twilight