Having my friendship "cab light" on

This, for me, falls under the category of small epiphanies.

I have started a workshop focusing on discovering what I need and wanted in a loving, intimate, romantic relationship. One of the phrases repeated as last night's session was having my "cab-light" on to attract the desired partner.

Well, as I headed home last night for this session I felt a little intimidated by the idea of having my "cab-light" on most of the time looking for the right guy. Somehow I fear that having my light on will attract undesired sort of men, but then that is what boundaries are for. Still I had not convinced myself that this was such a good idea.

Then this epiphany hit me, put my cab-light on to attract new friends. Now I do want to attract new good friends into my circle. In the past year I have had to end friendships that were not healthy for me. Now I want to attract friendships that are healthy for me and putting my cab-light on, in this way, for my soul and psyche seems to be a more comfortable way to move forward, as well as priming the my head and how I project what I want to the outside world to attract the right guy for me.

So now I can say to myself - yes my "cab-light" is on to attract new friends into my life - including that special guy friend.

The Cyclone

The Cyclone










The Cyclone
On a July evening
Clear cloudless twilight
Coney Island’s midway begins to light up
The night sky with its neon glow
Carnival sounds filled the air
Hawkers of games of chance
Children sticky with cotton candy
Bells, whistles, laughter
In this magical reality bending
Carni land
A rickety roar
Scream out loud laughter
Draws you in the direction of
The Cyclone
A roller coaster of renowned
The spectacular ocean view
Takes your breath away
Just before you are thrown
Down in stomach sinking terror
You are tipped off
Head long down a 60° hill
Then whipped around a curve
By sheer speed and gravity
A bone jarring
Wooden rickety
Teeth chattering
Body vibrator
Adrenalin rush
Lightener of the soul and spirit
1 minute 50 seconds of therapy
Making life a little lighter

Last night's sunset

Yesterday's twilight sunset
took my breath away
It was one of those displays
That strips away the grimy varnish of the city
And casts a shockingly clear light
Hued orange pink
On twilight dipped facades
While ominous grey-blue clouds
Filled the sky
Casting everywhere but for the brillant sunlight
Only some low hanging cloud puffs
Were painted pink by the sun
I just stood there and watched
This play of Light and Dark

My New York City

My New York City is not the city of Fifth Avenue and Tiffanys. My New York City is more humble, not as swank or stylish. It is a city I live in, traipse and travel around, and always marvel at. My New York City is about waiting; waiting for the bus, subway, to be seated at a table. It is about everyday hard working people who are not all that rich. New York City is the place I live and work in. New York City's glitter is what it projects to the rest of the world, but beneath the glitter is a far more grittier, gutsier place.

For me New York City has an energy, an electricity to it. I am always being caught in of New York City, its vitality, its bravado, how it moves 16 million people a day through its five bouroughs.

But I have found that you can't let New York City over take you, overwhelm you, or let the wool be pulled over your eyes. It can seem fast and hold out endless, dazzling amusements that can make any persons head spin. Don't be taking in by this 24/7 city - if you try to run at its pace you will burn yourself out.

9/11

This emotional glass has been filling up for a few days now. I find myself holding my breath in anticiaption of this day. Then there are the memories. Where I was, what I did, the decisions I made. They play in my mind like an amatuer movie skipping along the time line. It is tiring to play the movie. It starts and stops in strange places.

Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.

I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.

- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.

It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.

- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.

There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.

For Jeff

Well, there we have it. A quiet visit back to where it all began. Heavens, I miss you. It seems much of the anger and disappointment doesn't hurt so much. That does mean I have forgotten, just tempered it. While we had good times, in the end we weren't meant for each other - it hurt that I had to make that call, but that is how it goes. I was there at the Temper of Dendar - remember? You were late getting to the museum - it was after all Marathon Sunday. I talked to you, called you to remember too. It was in the Temple you kissed me and caught me hook line and sinker. I wanted to remember the sweet warm memories, your deep brown eyes, you huge warm hugs - and my heart pinched with the pain of missing you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, a tiny part of my heart is yours - but my whole heart no longer hurts - you are gone and I must move on in life and love.

Mice

Okay - I have to let off a little steam......Those damn mice! I have caught 14 and there are still 2-3 running around. My landlord claims he has put traps down, but damn they seem to be digging in my plants and I seem to be catching all of them! I am getting tired of this crap! I clean my kitchen only to have soil dug up by the next morning. I was in there kitchen and came face to face with one of those little buggers, He has a piece out of one of his ears - I could have caught if I was quick enough, but it was also 3 AM and I was in my birthday suit - not really in a position to go escort him to my local park. It is just so discouraging - no matter what I do the situation doesn't seem to get any better. I am getting to the point where I don't want to use humane traps anymore - I just want them gone! I don't know what else to do and I don't want to have to be dealing with this during the winter. I am so frustrated and angry - I just don't know what to do.
I may have to give up most of my plants and I just hate doing that - I love having plants and it is tearing my heart out to have to give them up.