Alone’s soul sinking ache

Alone’s soul sinking ache
Is more than having Beloved as company
It is this reality of being alone
For now all things are in Alone’s hands
The burden of caring for the present
And worrying of Alone’s future alone
Leaves an almost unbearable ache

There are times when Alone’s heart dreams
Only to wake to a reality of unfulfilled wishes
Alone has no shoulder to cry on
No warm body to curl up next to at night
No toothbrush dripping in the bathroom
Or fishing dirty socks out from under the bed

Alone now struggles
With a dream unfulfilled
Giving gifts limited by opportunity
Of an uncertain future alone
Questions ring in the ears
What will happen to me?
Who will love me?
Who cares?

Don’t accuse Alone of being depressed
Or of not having friends
Or of not caring in return
Being alone with no Beloved
Alone stares starkly at the limits of life

Maybe Alone is deluded
Thinking that Beloved
will be supportive, financially solid, caring
Will know every nook and cranny, joy and sorrow
That with Beloved
Alone’s wings will strengthen spread further
Allow Alone to go places as yet are unexplored
Go to place Alone can’t go
Places where two spirits that come together go

Still, tears burn watering Alone’s soul
In occasional despair of time both gone and unused
Centered firmly in the now
Against Alone’s fears pushes hope

Samhain 2008-closing the door on grief and facing the fear of living alone

Samhain is a Wiccan time year of letting go of old things, facing up to fears and to prepare, in the quiet of this dark time of the year, for the new. It is a crossroad of the year, a time to make an honest and realistic evaluation of your life. It is deep in the dark and silence of the earth where the seed waits to grow.

This past year has been a very difficult one for me, a year full of loss, sorrow and grief. I have lost a lover. I have lost my beloved cat of 18 years, Ariel. I let go friends that were not positive forces in my life. I have been to edge of woman’s grieving madness. There were times when I wanted to die myself to escape all the pain and sorrow.

Here in the Celtic New Year, I close the door on all that sorrow. In order for me to move along a new road I must let go of those things that have died in my life. This doesn't mean I forget or don't stop to remember. Rather it means it is time for me to move on and put away my grief and sorrow.

The anniversary of Jeff's death is coming up - and that is when I will put the things I have that were his away. I will take down his pictures. I will make one last memorial to him and our time together and to my grief. When these things are put away it will be over and done. On that anniversary I move on.

I spend this season between Samhain and Yule preparing for new things by stepping into the quiet of winter and I focus on caring and loving myself and making myself happy.

Now there is a fear I must face and name – living alone.

I envy my married friends and family – they, at least in theory, have a partner to stand with them in life. To be there, one hopes, through thick and thin. Someone who is there to support and understand.

And I am sure my married friends envy me because I don’t have that attachment. I am free to do as I please, I don’t have to consider another. I don’t have to be responsible for someone else.

As appealing as living alone may sound it is a huge burden to living with someone else – I can’t rely on any one else but myself. There is no one here to take care of me when I am sick. Nor is there someone there whose shoulder I can cry on or turn to when things are rough, even for me to support them throught thick and thin. It is only me to push to get things done, to clean, go to the doctor, take care of financial matters. I don't have anyone else to fall back on. There is no one to balance off my weaknesses or my triumphs. There is no one around to calm me down when life gets too stressful. I am the one who must talk myself down from my panic and fear. I must do it all for myself – I must keep myself in balance. I don't have another to balance off external or intimate to me. I face sorrow and grief alone.

Yes, maybe everyone should try to be this responsible for their own life, but it is hard – especially as I get older. Having faced the deep grief of death, and as I turn to something new, I find that I want to put things in order. To try safeguarding my future – without a significant other if I must.

You might say “well, your friends and family will help.” That only goes so far. Oh! Yes, I have friends who are there for me and who help me out. I have a wonderful posse of friends who have helped me through my grief and sorrow, and I am grateful for their help and understanding. But ultimate I had to face all of those things alone, with my own strength or courage, or even lack of it. I was the one who had dig deep into me and find ways to cope. We all must do that at some points in our lives, but I have to do it all the time.

This is one thing that couples don’t understand about their single friends. Because they are a couple they loose sight of being single, of having to take care of your self in every sense of the word, frequently without the help of others.

I certainly hope that things change for me, that I do find that significant other. But I am also are realist and know that I have to take care of myself without that intimate support.

I don’t want to be pitied rather understood for my struggle. I have the strength to live alone, if I must – and I must for that is where my current reality is. I can tackle only so many problems at a time, work to improve my life. But doing alone with only my courage and resources is limiting.

This maybe where I hit the sociology of being a single woman. Society still looks very differently on single women then it does single men. At least I have sensed and even experienced this. I don't have as much standing in either my family or in society in general. While my parents didn't push me to marry - I am sure they worry because I don't have a man to take care of me. I think my parents still feel a little responsible for me because I haven't married. I think society still holds on to the notion that if a woman isn't marries she is somehow incomplete. That isn't as strong as it use to be, but these notions do still subtly work on how people act over time. Now, I also know, and have experienced this, that single woman don't have as much economic clout. I certainly don't have the financial standing of my married friends. I don't have the same spending power then if I was married.

In trying to shift others perspective away from their personal myopic world - and to give friends and other the chance to see another perspective. For this perspective I ask other to imagine your life without your significant other. What would you have to do to live? What would your life realistically be if you lived alone? What would your life be without that support? that intimacy? the companionship?

My life's purpose

I live to nurture creation’s fiery light deep in all our souls by acting with wisdom and truth and passionate creativity through all I do in life, empowering the connection with life’s mysterious wonderment so we all may learn to live in love, caring, and grace.

Ariel Pumpkin 1990-2008

The nights are whats hardest

Part of the bed is empty

Your pillows gone

Your blanket off to be washed

And my heart breaks missing you

Especially in the middle of the night

When I would reach out to give you a little scratch

You would trill to me

Sleepily slant your eyes at me

And start purring

Or

You might stretch out one paw

As if to say to me

"Awwww, hi mom, pet me"

You sat on the corner of the bed

When I came home

Sqawking at me "where have you been all day"

We then had our greeting

Me laying on the bed

and you would walk around looking to be petted

Being scooped up and put on my belly

To have your face and shoulders scratched

That was your favorite place to be scratch

Well, you all loved your ruff under your chin scratched too.

I loved it when you would crawl under the covers with me

Though damn sometimes it took a long time for you to make up your mind!

You loved to get picked up and put on my ample breasts

Stretch out to have your tummy rubbed

Petted down your long grey tabby body

There we would sit watching TV

You knew me so well

When to let me sleep on Saturday mornings

You just love being with me

Hanging out with me on the bed

My whole apartment is empty without you

Wandering around

Curling around my legs for attention

Sitting in windows talking to the birds

It is at night

Your warm furry purring form

Keeping me company

That I so deeply miss you

I reach out to where you slept

You are not there

Having my friendship "cab light" on

This, for me, falls under the category of small epiphanies.

I have started a workshop focusing on discovering what I need and wanted in a loving, intimate, romantic relationship. One of the phrases repeated as last night's session was having my "cab-light" on to attract the desired partner.

Well, as I headed home last night for this session I felt a little intimidated by the idea of having my "cab-light" on most of the time looking for the right guy. Somehow I fear that having my light on will attract undesired sort of men, but then that is what boundaries are for. Still I had not convinced myself that this was such a good idea.

Then this epiphany hit me, put my cab-light on to attract new friends. Now I do want to attract new good friends into my circle. In the past year I have had to end friendships that were not healthy for me. Now I want to attract friendships that are healthy for me and putting my cab-light on, in this way, for my soul and psyche seems to be a more comfortable way to move forward, as well as priming the my head and how I project what I want to the outside world to attract the right guy for me.

So now I can say to myself - yes my "cab-light" is on to attract new friends into my life - including that special guy friend.

The Cyclone

The Cyclone










The Cyclone
On a July evening
Clear cloudless twilight
Coney Island’s midway begins to light up
The night sky with its neon glow
Carnival sounds filled the air
Hawkers of games of chance
Children sticky with cotton candy
Bells, whistles, laughter
In this magical reality bending
Carni land
A rickety roar
Scream out loud laughter
Draws you in the direction of
The Cyclone
A roller coaster of renowned
The spectacular ocean view
Takes your breath away
Just before you are thrown
Down in stomach sinking terror
You are tipped off
Head long down a 60° hill
Then whipped around a curve
By sheer speed and gravity
A bone jarring
Wooden rickety
Teeth chattering
Body vibrator
Adrenalin rush
Lightener of the soul and spirit
1 minute 50 seconds of therapy
Making life a little lighter

Last night's sunset

Yesterday's twilight sunset
took my breath away
It was one of those displays
That strips away the grimy varnish of the city
And casts a shockingly clear light
Hued orange pink
On twilight dipped facades
While ominous grey-blue clouds
Filled the sky
Casting everywhere but for the brillant sunlight
Only some low hanging cloud puffs
Were painted pink by the sun
I just stood there and watched
This play of Light and Dark

My New York City

My New York City is not the city of Fifth Avenue and Tiffanys. My New York City is more humble, not as swank or stylish. It is a city I live in, traipse and travel around, and always marvel at. My New York City is about waiting; waiting for the bus, subway, to be seated at a table. It is about everyday hard working people who are not all that rich. New York City is the place I live and work in. New York City's glitter is what it projects to the rest of the world, but beneath the glitter is a far more grittier, gutsier place.

For me New York City has an energy, an electricity to it. I am always being caught in of New York City, its vitality, its bravado, how it moves 16 million people a day through its five bouroughs.

But I have found that you can't let New York City over take you, overwhelm you, or let the wool be pulled over your eyes. It can seem fast and hold out endless, dazzling amusements that can make any persons head spin. Don't be taking in by this 24/7 city - if you try to run at its pace you will burn yourself out.

9/11

This emotional glass has been filling up for a few days now. I find myself holding my breath in anticiaption of this day. Then there are the memories. Where I was, what I did, the decisions I made. They play in my mind like an amatuer movie skipping along the time line. It is tiring to play the movie. It starts and stops in strange places.

Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.

I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.

- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.

It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.

- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.

There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.

For Jeff

Well, there we have it. A quiet visit back to where it all began. Heavens, I miss you. It seems much of the anger and disappointment doesn't hurt so much. That does mean I have forgotten, just tempered it. While we had good times, in the end we weren't meant for each other - it hurt that I had to make that call, but that is how it goes. I was there at the Temper of Dendar - remember? You were late getting to the museum - it was after all Marathon Sunday. I talked to you, called you to remember too. It was in the Temple you kissed me and caught me hook line and sinker. I wanted to remember the sweet warm memories, your deep brown eyes, you huge warm hugs - and my heart pinched with the pain of missing you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, a tiny part of my heart is yours - but my whole heart no longer hurts - you are gone and I must move on in life and love.