9/11

This emotional glass has been filling up for a few days now. I find myself holding my breath in anticiaption of this day. Then there are the memories. Where I was, what I did, the decisions I made. They play in my mind like an amatuer movie skipping along the time line. It is tiring to play the movie. It starts and stops in strange places.

Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.

I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.

- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.

It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.

- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.

There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.