It is deep and dark
A smoldering wound
Red hot anger
Simmering
The hurt
That they caused me
And I bring down on myself
Hot tears of self reproach
What salve will sooth this wound
Heal this deep hurt
Learning the lesson that pain teaches
Right now they still smart
Of self recrimination
Consoling through wisdom of perspective
Telling myself things between us just didn’t work out
Or simple time
Soothing the wound by looking at it
Only from time to time
And just letting it be
That over time is slowly changes
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ariel
I started a post about my beloved cat, Ariel, a couple of days ago and stopped because I thought what I had to say was too personal. Well I have changed my mind, maybe because I am slowly coming to terms with a decision I made.
Ariel is 17 years old - elderly in human years. She has been doing pretty well up until last week. She does have kidney disease which has been under control for 3 years. The episode last week I feel is a warning to me that I better pay attention because her life maybe coming to an end sooner then I imagined. The episode has forced me to face that possibility and other decisions that I have made.
First, I am going to let this take their natural course from here on out. I am not going to frantically try and keep her alive. Part of this decision is economics on my part, as I don't have money to spend on prolonged treatment for a condition that will eventually kill her, but it is also about my cats quality of life as she comes to the end of her life. I want her to be in comfortable surroundings. I also don't want to cause her extra anxiety by always taking her to the vet or emergency room. Furthermore, I want her to be happy where she is, to know that she is loved.
It is hard to make this kind of choice. On one hand to spend money to try and keep her going to do what ever I humanly can, but at what expense to her happiness and my pockebook, that is the key question. I even talked to Ariel last night and told her what I was doing. Heavens knows if she understood, but maybe in some way she did.
I guess this is my way of preparing myself, as well as I can, for what will eventually happen. I really have to take this a day at a time, even an hour at a time if I must. And I can't stop my life, I have to keep doing things like food shopping and laundry and even going out and having fun with friends. I have to try to keep my life in balance while we go through this process.
Ariel is 17 years old - elderly in human years. She has been doing pretty well up until last week. She does have kidney disease which has been under control for 3 years. The episode last week I feel is a warning to me that I better pay attention because her life maybe coming to an end sooner then I imagined. The episode has forced me to face that possibility and other decisions that I have made.
First, I am going to let this take their natural course from here on out. I am not going to frantically try and keep her alive. Part of this decision is economics on my part, as I don't have money to spend on prolonged treatment for a condition that will eventually kill her, but it is also about my cats quality of life as she comes to the end of her life. I want her to be in comfortable surroundings. I also don't want to cause her extra anxiety by always taking her to the vet or emergency room. Furthermore, I want her to be happy where she is, to know that she is loved.
It is hard to make this kind of choice. On one hand to spend money to try and keep her going to do what ever I humanly can, but at what expense to her happiness and my pockebook, that is the key question. I even talked to Ariel last night and told her what I was doing. Heavens knows if she understood, but maybe in some way she did.
I guess this is my way of preparing myself, as well as I can, for what will eventually happen. I really have to take this a day at a time, even an hour at a time if I must. And I can't stop my life, I have to keep doing things like food shopping and laundry and even going out and having fun with friends. I have to try to keep my life in balance while we go through this process.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Cold sufferings
Here we go
Starts as a tickle
Then a scratch
That no swallowing or water
Will make go away
So out comes the home remedy
hot cider vinager or salt water
But by morning that hasn't worked
It is now a prickly sharp ring of fire
So now I can't swallow without wincing
painkillers don't work fast enough
Hot Lemonade works
Until the painkiller kick in
While I am trying not to swallow
A little drip starts in my nose
little sniffles
One nostril gets stuffed
Then the other
Then both
I hate not being able to breath through my nose
So snuff the decongestants
Swallow
Through the ring of prickly fire
Antihistamines
Hoping to head off my head becoming a cement bowling ball
Wrong
Come morning two
I can't lift my head off the pillow
I don't know how ordinary people do it
Function with a cold
Go to work, drive, wash the dishes
Sure they take the same drugs I do
But they seem to be able to think and hold intellegent conversations
Pppllleeeaaasssse
I can barely get out of bed
to pee, if I must
to feed the cat, can't let her starve
But then it is back to bed
To find the inside of my eyelids
And hope the pressure will go away
Another day can pass
Before finally
The fog begins to lift
The sinus pressure drops
Post nasal drip begins
Snuffling it back
Then coughing it up
That rasp in the back of the throat
That I can hear and then can't get to sleep
So up I get to take the cough medicine
Then to stare at my ceiling
To then drift off
Finally getting a decent nights sleep
And maybe I will go to work tomorrow
If I can not be a space cadet
Starts as a tickle
Then a scratch
That no swallowing or water
Will make go away
So out comes the home remedy
hot cider vinager or salt water
But by morning that hasn't worked
It is now a prickly sharp ring of fire
So now I can't swallow without wincing
painkillers don't work fast enough
Hot Lemonade works
Until the painkiller kick in
While I am trying not to swallow
A little drip starts in my nose
little sniffles
One nostril gets stuffed
Then the other
Then both
I hate not being able to breath through my nose
So snuff the decongestants
Swallow
Through the ring of prickly fire
Antihistamines
Hoping to head off my head becoming a cement bowling ball
Wrong
Come morning two
I can't lift my head off the pillow
I don't know how ordinary people do it
Function with a cold
Go to work, drive, wash the dishes
Sure they take the same drugs I do
But they seem to be able to think and hold intellegent conversations
Pppllleeeaaasssse
I can barely get out of bed
to pee, if I must
to feed the cat, can't let her starve
But then it is back to bed
To find the inside of my eyelids
And hope the pressure will go away
Another day can pass
Before finally
The fog begins to lift
The sinus pressure drops
Post nasal drip begins
Snuffling it back
Then coughing it up
That rasp in the back of the throat
That I can hear and then can't get to sleep
So up I get to take the cough medicine
Then to stare at my ceiling
To then drift off
Finally getting a decent nights sleep
And maybe I will go to work tomorrow
If I can not be a space cadet
Friday, August 1, 2008
Instances of Awe
Fresh calm quiet
Summer mornings
Dew sparkling on sun dappled green grass
Fleeting to time and the warm summer sun
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