New York City nights

Were I a giant
And New York City
A luminous carpet
Against the night
I could tiptoe among the lights
And pick the prettiest
As a bright glowing bouquet
Let the rest of this glitter lighted grid
Spread out before me
To wander in
As if in
Black grassy fields
Covered in sparkling morning dew
To splash up sparks and fireworks
On my feet
Then I could take in all this amazing buzzing city
And its infinite dazzling wonders



I could gather up
Night lighted
New York City
As a luminous bouquet
To fill my arms
Buzzing with hundreds of languages
Or busy working ants in all those sky scrapers



In a yellow cab crossing the Queensboro Bridge
Into Long Island City Queens
Notice that New York City
Is all laid out before you
And in an instant I want to swallow in whole
All the light of the night
The Pepsi-Cola sign on the East River
The Chrysler Building
And let it light me up inside

Spring Cherry Blossom Showers

Dreary grey the spring morning
Still threatening rain
Damp seeped in to the tired chill air
In the slightest swirl
They were all around
Delicate pink white
Cherry blossom petals
Drifting and dancing
And all of a sudden someone
Turned on a warm light
Playful happy

Plato’s illusion of shadows

Plato’s illusion of shadows

It is a dream
that we are taught
that most girls carry around
and for most come true
but mine became a
secretive fanciful illusion
played out in wishful thinking
and fantastical imagination
Filling the little empty times of the day
to where is has become
a crutch of daily life
spinning its thread
into an almost imperceptible
gossamer cocoon holding me back
disappointment burns inside me
how I have stood
and look at these shadows
dancing on the wall
chained to sugar coated dreams
that kept me drugged for their perpetuation
instead of me turning and facing reality
all kinds of things held me there
but mostly all kinds of fear
I gave the dreams power
to abuse and warp my dream into
protecting me from pain and disappointment
but fear’s shadow’s really kept me
from seeing hopeful genuine possibility

Triumph's threshold

Short is my feeling of triumph
for seeming to cross a threshold
maybe of realization
or silly giving in to self acceptance
for I fight myself
and for myself
and finally give up
and there is the threshold
I give up being afraid of the dark
trying to get a solid night of sleep
controlling things I can’t control
adjusting to the way things are now
and forever in flux
subtly shifting focus
as shifting my weight from one foot to another
or closing one eye
then switching
my triumph is still there
though not as ecstatic
of calm happy knowing
I have shifted to a better place

The Pueblo Wind

The Pueblo wind
Swept across the desert into my window
Warm swift
Whispered quickly in my ear
After the storm
Shook me from self indulgent mire
Of disappointment and dashed expectations
Sharp light clear
Made shadows dance around me
Lit through silk orange pink curtains
Seeing time philosophical
A journey not rushed before it’s time
Reflected upon through a prism of
Of measured hopeful ends

Spot among winter's trees

Here is my spot
Just enough clearing
Among the bare winter saplings
Surround me to all horizons
Nimble architecture of branches
Poke their grey leafless limbs
To the blinding bright blue sky
Let me be one
Where the winter wind still clatters in my branches
Toes gripping the cold earth
Fingers stretch out tall
My soft pink bark to know the elements
To feel the first signs of Spring

Will Winter never end?

Good grief! Will Winter never end?
I know it will but right now I have either the winter blahs or cabin fever. I want to get out side and do something - ANYTHING. It is boring just going back and forth to work - being inside all the time. I am dreaming of laying out on green grass, under spring sunshine, with birds singing and bugs buzzing, soaking in Spring. But to step outside today - blah.....gray!

A little help from St. Theresa

Today it was St. Theresa’s prayer
Maybe
That helped me
Slay the monster ambition
Aroused by a whisper
About something I want
But am not ready for
I remembered I have the power to choose
How I react – How to view it –
How to not let it rob me of my inner peace
It was on the subway ride home
When I slew the monster
By realizing the monster ambition
Was an illusion

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Turning negatives into positives

Let’s talk depression and anxiety

This has always been true in my life and something I think I learned from my father – that long walks, especially in winter, can give you answers to what is troubling you. As far back as I can remember always having the urge to take a long walk and preferably talk to a trusted friend to help me work something out. That is certainly true of today. It was on a long walk that I had a little epiphany.

It always starts when something gets knocked in my world. Something changes. The negative thinking begins. It pulls me off my positive thinking – the negative thinking starts, the worry starts. And sometimes no matter what I do I can’t get the positive, the negative thinking just takes over and is a relentless circle – like a dog chasing its tail. Then suddenly I am shaken out of it. It is little things and maybe I am getting better at seeing the pattern soon and so don’t let the negative pattern take hold. I hate that sometimes it can be such a battle to be positive again – to break the grip of negative thinking, but when I do break it I feel always a renewed sense of purpose and genuine hope. So what was it this time that got me back to the positive? Like I said it is little things – an article from my sister about depression and how the slightest stressor can start the negative circle, then realizing that getting out and helping other people gets me both out of the “focus only on me-feel sorry for myself – me, me, me” cycle but it gives me a reality check on others who are either better or worse off then me. I connect with others instead of being isolated by myself. When I am depressed I can’t even muster trust and hope – my spiritual practice becomes like ash about me – it feels as if I can use it or trust it. Negative thoughts for me are like alcohol to an alcoholic – the negativity just doesn’t stop.

But there are times, like my walk this morning, when I realize that I doing the negative dance and I stop – I get my reality check – my positive thinking returns and my problems don’t seem quiet so insurmountable. And all that trusting I did - even when it felt like I couldn't trust anything - well - I really was trusting - trusting myself. And that is what ultimately opens me up to the answer or insight I need.

Wild Mustang Fears

Panic’s wild mustangs race through my body
Wanting only to escape
Tossing me out of control
A wild stampede down the narrow canyon
Along the dry bed of the arroyo
Throwing up dust of my illusions
Racing forward to me
Gathering in me
As in a chorale
They come in close mingle
Press in on me
Jockey for position
As a sunset turns rocks glowing warm in twilight
What do I name first
They gather around
Jostle me for attention
Who comes forward first
The bold one is “She who fears that hoped for things will fall apart”
And her faol “Uncertainty”
She nudges my hand with her muzzle seeking attention
But “She who fears the future being alone”
and her faol “ no one has my back – only me”
Nudges in for attention
“She who sees what she wants but is scared that others will stand in the way”
Her faol is “Other’s misconceptions and assumptions”
She comes to me all most in tears – seeking comfort and reassurance
Look in her deep brown eyes and stroke her withers
Hug her and bury fearful tears in her warm coat
They are still wild – they buck and rear
Panic flash from their brown eyes
They still rampage around and inside me
Then the shy one “She who is confident and knows where she is going”
She is quietly at the edges of the herd slowly moving to be near the center
To nudge my hand and leads
Just walk slowly
Talk to them as they follow along
Chased away the fears
Trust me – trust yourself – trust the deep inner calm
Walk along the dusty arroyo
Look to Lady Stardust’s simmering night
In darkening evening twilight