Plato’s illusion of shadows

Plato’s illusion of shadows

It is a dream
that we are taught
that most girls carry around
and for most come true
but mine became a
secretive fanciful illusion
played out in wishful thinking
and fantastical imagination
Filling the little empty times of the day
to where is has become
a crutch of daily life
spinning its thread
into an almost imperceptible
gossamer cocoon holding me back
disappointment burns inside me
how I have stood
and look at these shadows
dancing on the wall
chained to sugar coated dreams
that kept me drugged for their perpetuation
instead of me turning and facing reality
all kinds of things held me there
but mostly all kinds of fear
I gave the dreams power
to abuse and warp my dream into
protecting me from pain and disappointment
but fear’s shadow’s really kept me
from seeing hopeful genuine possibility

Triumph's threshold

Short is my feeling of triumph
for seeming to cross a threshold
maybe of realization
or silly giving in to self acceptance
for I fight myself
and for myself
and finally give up
and there is the threshold
I give up being afraid of the dark
trying to get a solid night of sleep
controlling things I can’t control
adjusting to the way things are now
and forever in flux
subtly shifting focus
as shifting my weight from one foot to another
or closing one eye
then switching
my triumph is still there
though not as ecstatic
of calm happy knowing
I have shifted to a better place

The Pueblo Wind

The Pueblo wind
Swept across the desert into my window
Warm swift
Whispered quickly in my ear
After the storm
Shook me from self indulgent mire
Of disappointment and dashed expectations
Sharp light clear
Made shadows dance around me
Lit through silk orange pink curtains
Seeing time philosophical
A journey not rushed before it’s time
Reflected upon through a prism of
Of measured hopeful ends

Spot among winter's trees

Here is my spot
Just enough clearing
Among the bare winter saplings
Surround me to all horizons
Nimble architecture of branches
Poke their grey leafless limbs
To the blinding bright blue sky
Let me be one
Where the winter wind still clatters in my branches
Toes gripping the cold earth
Fingers stretch out tall
My soft pink bark to know the elements
To feel the first signs of Spring

Will Winter never end?

Good grief! Will Winter never end?
I know it will but right now I have either the winter blahs or cabin fever. I want to get out side and do something - ANYTHING. It is boring just going back and forth to work - being inside all the time. I am dreaming of laying out on green grass, under spring sunshine, with birds singing and bugs buzzing, soaking in Spring. But to step outside today - blah.....gray!

A little help from St. Theresa

Today it was St. Theresa’s prayer
Maybe
That helped me
Slay the monster ambition
Aroused by a whisper
About something I want
But am not ready for
I remembered I have the power to choose
How I react – How to view it –
How to not let it rob me of my inner peace
It was on the subway ride home
When I slew the monster
By realizing the monster ambition
Was an illusion

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Turning negatives into positives

Let’s talk depression and anxiety

This has always been true in my life and something I think I learned from my father – that long walks, especially in winter, can give you answers to what is troubling you. As far back as I can remember always having the urge to take a long walk and preferably talk to a trusted friend to help me work something out. That is certainly true of today. It was on a long walk that I had a little epiphany.

It always starts when something gets knocked in my world. Something changes. The negative thinking begins. It pulls me off my positive thinking – the negative thinking starts, the worry starts. And sometimes no matter what I do I can’t get the positive, the negative thinking just takes over and is a relentless circle – like a dog chasing its tail. Then suddenly I am shaken out of it. It is little things and maybe I am getting better at seeing the pattern soon and so don’t let the negative pattern take hold. I hate that sometimes it can be such a battle to be positive again – to break the grip of negative thinking, but when I do break it I feel always a renewed sense of purpose and genuine hope. So what was it this time that got me back to the positive? Like I said it is little things – an article from my sister about depression and how the slightest stressor can start the negative circle, then realizing that getting out and helping other people gets me both out of the “focus only on me-feel sorry for myself – me, me, me” cycle but it gives me a reality check on others who are either better or worse off then me. I connect with others instead of being isolated by myself. When I am depressed I can’t even muster trust and hope – my spiritual practice becomes like ash about me – it feels as if I can use it or trust it. Negative thoughts for me are like alcohol to an alcoholic – the negativity just doesn’t stop.

But there are times, like my walk this morning, when I realize that I doing the negative dance and I stop – I get my reality check – my positive thinking returns and my problems don’t seem quiet so insurmountable. And all that trusting I did - even when it felt like I couldn't trust anything - well - I really was trusting - trusting myself. And that is what ultimately opens me up to the answer or insight I need.

Wild Mustang Fears

Panic’s wild mustangs race through my body
Wanting only to escape
Tossing me out of control
A wild stampede down the narrow canyon
Along the dry bed of the arroyo
Throwing up dust of my illusions
Racing forward to me
Gathering in me
As in a chorale
They come in close mingle
Press in on me
Jockey for position
As a sunset turns rocks glowing warm in twilight
What do I name first
They gather around
Jostle me for attention
Who comes forward first
The bold one is “She who fears that hoped for things will fall apart”
And her faol “Uncertainty”
She nudges my hand with her muzzle seeking attention
But “She who fears the future being alone”
and her faol “ no one has my back – only me”
Nudges in for attention
“She who sees what she wants but is scared that others will stand in the way”
Her faol is “Other’s misconceptions and assumptions”
She comes to me all most in tears – seeking comfort and reassurance
Look in her deep brown eyes and stroke her withers
Hug her and bury fearful tears in her warm coat
They are still wild – they buck and rear
Panic flash from their brown eyes
They still rampage around and inside me
Then the shy one “She who is confident and knows where she is going”
She is quietly at the edges of the herd slowly moving to be near the center
To nudge my hand and leads
Just walk slowly
Talk to them as they follow along
Chased away the fears
Trust me – trust yourself – trust the deep inner calm
Walk along the dusty arroyo
Look to Lady Stardust’s simmering night
In darkening evening twilight

Running away from Christmas

I want to run away from Christmas
I think a lot of people do
I don’t want to write about Christmases past
I thought I did
Like Dylan Thomas’ “A Child’s Christmas in Wales”
To tell of happy memories from the past
But I can’t
Too much stuff goes into it
I can’t pull myself back far enough
Detach myself to see it’s blessings and glories
For the hurt I feel now
It is a major accomplishment if I can get through “the holidays”
Without a major emotional meltdown
It takes a lot of effort on my part
To limit what I do and how I feel
Christmas has not ever been especially joyous for me
They have always been very complicated and full of disappointment
Our consumer culture has sold us all a bunch of lies
The happiness can be bought –
There are most precious gifts that can be given that are not bought
But rather given to help others – out of kindness and generosity
Giving from the heart
It’s that what all the movies tell us?
Now, don’t get me wrong
I believe in this season of quiet waiting
This season of giving from the heart
I believe in being with loved ones, sharing time and good cheer
Helping other who may have less than me
To spend more in quiet of this season
I just think we spend too much time and energy
On the wrong things in this season
Instead of spending money we should open our hearts
There should be only 1 week of shopping for Christmas
If we have to have it at all
I would almost rather that Christmas and New Year’s
Were treated as any other ordinary day in the year
Yes, I still want to watch my favorite holiday movies
But I think I am going to flesh out my DVD holiday collection
So I can watch them when I want
And not have to watch all that shameless propaganda what we should buy
I think I will spend more time in quiet enjoying the dark of winter
I will not listen to all the news – I get enough to know what is going on in the world
I will spend time with friends – and find ways to give to those who are in need
I will do some traditional family baking
I will spread good cheer
At Yule time
And leave that Christian holiday to the Christians

ordinary pine trees

Ordinary snow spine pine trees
Bristle in winter’s ordinary frigid cold
Hearty against gray sky’s snow veil
Not photogenicly dripped pillowed white splashed
With winter sun’s pale light as in after the storm