this and that

Rose December Beauty

2011-12-08T14:23:00.001-05:00

Bright winter sun

Low in the afternoon sky

Cleared by last night’s storm

Wind and rain

Against the heavy thick sky

Is chilled crisp in quiet

Sinking in of winter beauty

Here in the aftermath

Scattered Rose petals

Among fallen brown oak and sycamore leaves

Showing rosehips ripening red-orange

By winter sun

Here in Winter’s barren beauty

Buds and blossoms

Roses

Velvet Red, Pink, Lavender, Yellow

Shocking color in winter’s palette

Warming lingering hope

In soundless enveloping petals

Bobbing on winter breezes

What am I thankful for today

2011-11-21T16:27:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to practice gratitude over the last week or so. Some days are great and some days are like today. I can list what I am grateful for - but I am not feeling the gratitude - until this afternoon, so here goes

I am thankful I have a job where I can be quiet and let sometimes troubling things just be
I am thankful for the November roses still blooming in the rose garden at work
I am thankful for the oak tree I walk around
I am thankful for the autumn leaves on the ground that I can playfully shuffle through
I am thankful I am going to talk to my therapist tonight - to help with all this Thanksgiving stuff
I am thankful for my breath - as I draw it in and let it go

These little gratitudes have helped me through this day.....

I did the ice cream thing.....

2011-11-21T13:30:00.001-05:00

Saturday night - after the red tent temple on the way home I was thinking about Priscilla and I wanted something creamy. I didn't have any yogurt in the house so I got some Ben and Jerry's everything but the ice cream. I thought ( ha) that I could just have 1/2 the pint - but it was so hard to scoop out that I just did the whole thing - and it tasted good. Well, there we go, that is that.....

Sunday I didn't feel great, so I went back to be, proceeded to get a migraine - I haven't had one of those in a couple of years and lounge my way through the rest of the day.

Today is kind of blah - I really wanted to crawl under a rock this morning. I am thinking about Thanksgiving - and having a little panic because I am not going home. My parents have gone through some big changes this year but I want to be in NYC part of the weekend to visit Priscilla in the hospital and maybe get a burger with her husband George. I really feel kind of torn about this holiday. I struggle with hanging out this new people and I struggle with hanging out with my family. Honestly I have been feeling a little lonely.

I am not so worried about Thanksgiving day and over eating - it is a day to enjoy good food and good people and I intend on doing both without reservation. I am researching recipes for a pear cobbler without gluten, eggs or dairy - well I might use butter. I am going to use almond flour and maybe add apples or apricot jam to my creation. I am also bringing a pumpkin pie for dessert.

Body Love

2011-11-18T14:06:00.001-05:00

Thenight turned chilled

Fromthe first of the winter rains

Insidethe dark room

Red,pink and purple Christmas lights

Magiccolor glowed

Inaked on the bed

Dreamingof body love

Fillingevery cell with luminous

Pinkglitter light

Saying

Iam sorry

Forall the harm

Iunthinkingly subjected you to

Inthe sorrow

Iopened all of me

Totingling light awareness

Caressingme

Insideand out

Lusciouslyloving all my wiggly curves

Myheart was awake

Bothsorrow and joy

Wantingto burst this container

Tolet love fly in the night

Bouquet of Autumn Leaves

2011-11-14T17:14:00.001-05:00

Pick a bouquet of autumn leaves

Heavy paint patterns

Zebra stripe yellow and deep red

Revealed under the green

Collect the yellow maple leaves

That show off against the twilight

Long shadowed sun

Dipping deep in the west

Seeking winter rest

Here the pinch of regret

Of colors having to pass away

A of the delicate fair pink roses

Whose petals now dance on the

Twilight autumn wind

That I too could fly away

To some wind swept rest

Wrapped in rose petals and painted leaves

Speed Bumps

2011-07-10T02:06:00.001-04:00

I don’t know about you
But I don’t go gently and slow
Over the Speed Bumps of life
No
I actually don’t see mind coming
This time it was by denial
How in the world I didn’t think
This wouldn’t come back to bite me
After falling off the wagon
Baffles me
But there you have it
I figuratively slammed into my speed bump
And
Tumbling along
Were bundles of issues
Related and deep
Tangled up
In memories, episodes, experiences
And yet I knew it was out there
Maybe I even created it
Working on questions
Breaking old patterns
Forging a new path
Where the old patterns don’t work
Others try to reassure me
This wasn’t a speed bump
Rather a root a tripped on
By reminding me of many good things
Courage
Questions
Getting into the murky muck
And I tried to listen
My head knew they were right
But my heart
Felt wounded
By its own betrayal
I lost faith in myself
It was hard to believe in me
So I love this heart
And my questions
And I forgive me
Finding faith and magic again
So that in time I learn from
My own betrayal
To be honest with myself
To unpack and reveal the hidden pattern
To Love my heart and all of me
So that
The next speed bump I come to
I might roll over it more easily

Dismantling

2011-07-10T02:05:00.000-04:00

Listen to what you say to yourself
Especially the can’ts
The blinders we have put in front of ourselves
The fairytales we create to hide from the truth
The tiny roomed prisons we build for ourselves
The world around us hands us the mortar
Dances images before us to bedazzle
To the point of blindness
The rules we grew up and used
Because we didn’t know any better
Through time we get beaten down
Not bothering to try anymore
Because we are not valued
By the world we live in
But beneath all of this
Are the bones of our freedom
The small voice
The nagging thought
That told us something was very wrong
There was something more
Then the shell that fear created
Again there are freedom’s bones
The questions that dig deep
The light that cuts away the excess
The knowing that lets truth
Shutter YES inside you
The patterns
Once seen for what they are
And now no longer work
Taking on the fear
Stepping beyond it
To
I CAN

Morning Thunderstorm

2011-07-10T02:04:00.000-04:00

The morning thunderstorm
Rumbling buzz of raindrops
Caught me in my dreams
Where I journeyed
Naked
Laid down
Among the dewed tall grass
With a belly of tears
That trembles next to the earth
Of all that is slighted women
Separated from her strength and wisdom
A thousand cuts of fear
Cry them out to the rain
Thunder to shake the bones
Let the heavy dewed earth
Hold my sorrow
Wet
Let the rain
Wash me
Wet my skin
Dripping it fresh
And cool with beauty’s love
Slick and moist
Sparkling lips glistening caressed
Love bud blessed
Soles softened
Wake to the rain magic
Claiming Goddess hope
Stepping into Beauty’s rain kissed power

Yellow Police Tape

2010-06-17T12:07:00.001-04:00

It was yellow police tape
Wrapped around a power box
Under the underpass
As if hiding some violence
By traveling away from where it once was
Protecting some deserted alley or vacant lot
Where the real violence took place
That the wind carried it
In haphazard eddies
To this strange place where all is grey or black or beige
Is a shock all its own

Two poems

2010-04-29T16:35:00.000-04:00

Images flicker and fade
Not enough awe or simplicity
To tempt me
To wonder about it in words
That feel like stones
In my mouth
Or muddy ash
It is all I can do to spit them out
Without giving them voice
And the images
Breeze gently away into
Oblivion ‘s mundane memory

After the battle
Mundane patterns
Ordinary routines
Return
Hiding more subtle struggles
And wondering
Where life goes
Dull
Battle sharpens the senses
Strips away the unnecessary
Now to sharpen ordinary life
With passion and hope
Ah! This in between is preparation

Grace and Gratitude

2010-04-12T14:39:00.000-04:00

Where does one begin
At a breaking point
Falling apart
Life thrown a curve ball
A vessel dashed to pieces
Revealing a deep vulnerable core of humanity
That wrestles with the deepest questions
In chaos and creation
And by Hope or Faith
Or Grace
Is let go
Life energy spilling out
Into creation
Elements and gritty ground
Between Earth and the Universe
Filling soul with new light
Brilliant with impatience to live
Subtle and welcoming as a warm breeze
Or Spring rain on your face
All this that a heart might burst
In simplest gratitude
Awestruck beauty
A heart’s humble honor
Whose hard urgency
Hurls one along new paths
Opening the way to love spirit’s
Own thankful heart

Cherry Blossom Breezes

2010-04-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

The wind
Sent all the cherry blossom petals
Fluttering
On swirling breezes
Showers of white and pink laughter
Dance of springtime
Falling as the wind moves away
Creating petal pink snow
On the green spring grass
With that shock
Spring comes and goes

Tears

2010-04-03T01:22:00.001-04:00

Tears
Some scorn them
Or don’t understand them
They seem as a sign of weakness
Or that one might not be as strong as they could be
To be suppressed or controlled
Or they are used for manipulation
In that use it is dishonest
Tears to be trusted should be honest tears
We were given tears for physical expression
To express pain and hurt
Even deep happiness and joy
Tears let the heart speak
Tears also help move the emotions as energy
To pour them out of the body
Cleansing the body
Helping the healing process
Tears are strength
Tears are honesty
Tears help gather strength
Tears allow for falling apart
To let go and show vulnerability
The break open the deepest part of you
Tears make room for new things
Tears tire the body so it can rest
Tears can empty the spirit and allow it peace

Drawing out the silences of my life

2010-04-03T00:52:00.000-04:00

Drawing out the silences of my life
Giving voice to things I am too scared to say
Bring them into the light
Giving them words and feeling
That are now just raw glimmers
Ideas on the ether barely having shape or substance
To do this I have to begin with what I have
What my heart really wants to talk about
Then the silence will begin to come forward
So what do I trust my heart with today
What small fear can I name
The fear of not saying want needs to be said
The fear of hurting others
The fear of another person out of respect
Something that lays heavy on my heart
And yet is very hard to speak
But call me to a deeper dedication
To try
To communicate honestly with people
To trust them with my hurts
Even when they have hurt me
Drawing out the silences
Is trying to find truth and forgiveness
Trying to say the hard truths that are so hard to say

New Year's Toast

2010-01-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

" THE FUTURE BELONGS TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTY OF THIER DREAMS".=========ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

" ALWAYS BEAR IN MIND THAT YOUR OWN RESOLUTION TO SUCCEED IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY ONE THING."-------------ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Happy New Year Everyone!

Magical Nights

2009-12-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

Let the darkness come
As twilight fades
The stars begin to dapple the sky
Now fire to glow
Mysteries meet
Spirits open to the Universe
It flows free
Those who know it
Open their hearts
Revel and ride with it
Dancing life’s light energy
Journeying to the inside of a candle flame
Knowing love deep in the heart
That is of all things loving wonder

forgiving

2009-12-31T18:56:00.000-05:00

Forgiving is found in loving
Not some innocent naïve love
Rather the caring of hurt
To see a heart and love it
Especially when trampled and torn
It is your own heart you must love
In order to forgive
In loving your own heart and it’s hurt
You can then see into other’s heart
And in seeing your hurt in their hearts
The limitations of life and loving
Then you continue loving

Good bye 2009

2009-12-31T17:21:00.000-05:00

Here I am - on New Year's Eve - for once - alone - and I welcome it. I am surrounded by candle and xmas lights, music that fills my heart full of hope, and my eyes shine with my own happiness. I have banana bread baking in the oven, took a nap with my beloved Soma, and have movies queued up for the evening.

As twilight falls and the witching hours draws closer I will take on of my shower/baths and wash away 2009. I will have a new skin to grow into for 2010. As a wash away 2009 there are things that will stay with me, the new friends I have, the strength, courage and wisdom I have found and most especially the love that I share with others.

I feel happy tonight. I feel strong. I feel hopeful for the future. I am positive. Tonight I am not going mourn what has been lost - as most of you know I have done enough of that already. Tonight I choose to being in light of Love, hope and courage.

So, I give myself and everyone else a Very Happy New Year with all the Love and Hope that come from the future.

Gummy Bears

2009-12-05T21:53:00.000-05:00

Personally I prefer the red ones
But then there are these very pale yellow ones
Like the color of champagne
Or pear flavored life savers
That I liked too
I would get them at the college sweet shop
Just before going to the Science Fiction Group
Where I was introduced to world opening experiences of
Buckaroo Bonsai
Japanese Anime
Dr. Who
Red Dwarf
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Where our code phrase was
“Give me the Locknar, you bitch”
It was there
I blame Danny
With his innocuous brown paper bag
Filled with Gummy Bears
And I would surreptitiously dip my hand in that bag
Pulling out these cute sweet delights
Savoring their squishy – jell-o like forms
Between tongue and teeth
That was infinitely more interesting than popcorn
Becoming for all of us that mindless movie snack
One sweet spot in my otherwise ambivalent college existence

celebrating winter

2009-11-29T21:54:00.001-05:00

It takes Thanksgiving being over for me to think the harvest is over and winter is here.

This weekend I opened my soul to winter. I welcomed in the bare beauty of the earth, especially the trees. They are beautiful with no leaves - their elegant structure and design. I welcome in the long nights and dark silence. I love that the sun is low in the sky and everything has long shadows. I love especially the evening twilight - that to me is a magical time to watch the day turn to night.

The lights and music of Yule help brighten the beauty of winter - and the challenge is keeping the beauty going in the middle of January - but we will deal with that when it gets here.

Samhain 2009

2009-10-31T19:51:00.001-04:00

Since this is my witch's new year - it is a turning of the year - at time to honor the dead and ancestors - the beginning of winter and getting ready to hibernate and deal with the darkness - I have something I want to share.

My old angers are gone. With the possibility of cancer, my outlook on life has shifted significantly. I was incredibly angry and frustrated - mostly at myself - but that spilled over to others. I was angry and frustrated that I would let people down, that I would fail people, I was angry at myself for not achieving my goals and just taking situations and people far too serious - especially myself. I wanted to pull it where others weren't willing or ready to go. I was also afraid that others didn't love me - and honestly I didn't love myself. I hope others can forgive me my anger, my frustrations and my silly notions.

Having now to fight a tumor - I quickly realized that I am loved - by many and that I love myself as well. I had to - If I am going to beat this tumor I have to love and take care of myself - that anger - long burning anger - just wasn't worth it. I gave up those silly notions - I gave up on the idea that I have to be great leader/be in control/I have to pull everyone along/get them to do what they are suppose to do. That is my just being plain too serious and stress out. In refocus on the important things in life these angers and frustrations just didn't seem worth it anymore - they weren't as important as loving and forgiving myself and loving and forgiving other. I had to deeply love myself and forgive myself and I hope other will be able to forgive me my anger and frustration.

So in this new year I really want to focus on love - love of myself and love of others and sharing that love and making that love happy and fun and joyful. That is my Samhain wish for 2009. I have rediscovered love, deep love, for myself, other and life and I will work to make this the most important thing this year and through out the rest of my life. I rededicate myself to Love of Life with all of who I am.

Dumplings and Laundry

2009-10-26T12:52:00.000-04:00

The night streamed past us
In car headlights headed to Bloomfield Ave.
We walked along the bumpy sidewalks
With our wire carts before us
Filled with dirty clothes- detergent – fabric softener
Hand bags clutched to the handles
Filled with coveted quarters for doing laundry
We bumped and tripped our way toward the Laundromat
And the Chinese takeout next door
We would load our clothes into the washing machines
The head to the Chinese place
To find a table and place an order of fried dumplings
Dumprings – as they would say
And a deck of cards would come out
Gin Rummy was the preferred game
As our clothes tumbled and spun
First to get wet and washed – then to dry
As we played our evening of cards
And snacked on fried dumplings
Treats in a time of little spare money
Basking momentarily in a friendship now long in years

Morning Glories

2009-09-04T10:00:00.001-04:00

Morning Glories
Are summer morning gladness
Bouncing on a sunny breeze
Magenta striped blue purple
Delicate pale pink
Traditional blue
Blossoms that seem to bob along
Fences and walls
Small shouts of gay laughter
In the city’s noisy
Seemingly barren concrete and steel jungle
In seeing them
I too turn my face to the sun
And let breeze wash my face
Knowing I am glad

Coming Autumn

2009-09-02T11:50:00.000-04:00

A maudlin mood came over me
So let me blame the sun
Casting mornings waning summer light
Across a dust black street and rough sandy concrete sidewalks
She is rising later and later these days
And so she caught me to tell me so
It was that she lit the side walk at all
That caught my eye
Usually during summer
When I pass across this pavement and sidewalk
They aren’t splashed in sunshine
Usually the Sun is already up in the sky
Where taller buildings and el subway platforms block her light
So her light this morning
Stirred something in me
Of ripening and reaping
Of long nights and letting go
Coming autumn

Gangster Solitaire

2009-07-16T15:12:00.005-04:00

The four of hearts seemed so vulnerable
Only the three of clubs kept her company
She was surrounded by Black Kings
Black and Red retinue trailing behind them
She had no where to move
No black five would give her refuge
She didn't want to become just another in the line
The other cards
Shifted and move to get the best position
The Queen of Clubs had her Jack
And was prepared to be flattered by his company
But only until the King of Hearts came along
To sweep her off her feet
The Aces don't do nothin
They are four Divas just waiting
Just waiting
Hanging around for all the other action to end
The tension tightens
As cards in threes file past the seven spaces
To see if they will be seated at a table
If they will be allowed to join one of the royal retinues
Everyone is eager to fit
But in good order
Black Red Black Red or
Red Black Red Black
The four of Hearts and her lonely three of clubs
Watch the cards flip by
Almost mocking all who are on the board
The all stare back with a nonchalant hardness
Which comes with a lot of boredom and waiting
Finally out of desperation
The player chooses another game
So the four of hearts was never rescued
Only to show up in another game
Searching for her black five.

Time Warp

2009-07-16T14:54:00.002-04:00

Cocky 1930's gangsters
Feeling the control of the world
At the end of a tommy gun
Or Maria Antionette
And let them eat cake
Or the Prisoner
with mind numbing boredom
and 60's solitaire cards taunting me
about the sheer stupidity of today
Fanciful has my mind journey
with no barrier of imagination

Tiger Lilies of Woosamansa Road

2009-06-17T10:58:00.001-04:00

This is always one of my favorite roads to drive
Not only that but I love saying it too
Woosamansa
I love the word
Even if I don’t know the Native American meaning
Woosamansa Road
We call it an old cow path
As it twists and turning through the Jersey hills
Old farmsteads come and go on either side
Of the dapple June shaded road
Speckled with sunshine
There are sharp turns left then right
Then woosh around a corner
Down the hill
Next to a stone wall holding the hill at bay
And right next to you
Is a bank of tiger lilies
Waving burnt orange blossoms on the breeze
In front of a stone colonial house
I love driving this road
When I have the chance
Especially when I was young
for all its twists and turns
But also for it countryside historic beauty
The colonial houses
The white one-room schoolhouse
That switchback turn onto Poor Farm Road
Woosamansa Road finally runs
Out to the local highway
Away from the cool dappled
June shaded country
Leaving behind
Those brilliant orange tongues
Beautiful summer fire blossoms
Of the earth’s simple soulful beauty
And some evocative nostalgia
Of youth and summers past

No regrets

2009-06-05T10:18:00.000-04:00

I have always lived with the motto
No regrets
It isn’t worth it to look to the past
And wish for what might have been
The past is what it is
Why get caught up in the what if’s
If this or If that
Things I never felt I had
To make my dreams come true
And now wishing I had
Only leads my heart to ache
The small turns in life
Living life a little on the fly
Look now
The glass is half full
With no regrets

Hmm - not sure what to call this

2009-05-28T17:10:00.003-04:00

Heavens - you must think i am crazy - all this anger. Well, yes I am to some degree, but I am not going to suject you to this any more. I have started a seperate blog where I can let my angry words run wild and get them out of me. There I will let my anger be my muse. Please feel free to check it out when ever you want. And in between all the anger - any "nice" poems that come out I will post here.

Be well and Blessed Be,
Carolyn

http://princessbard-angerstalk.blogspot.com/

Rage pushed aside

2009-05-26T14:15:00.002-04:00

Is this my ghost
Rage pushed aside
Afraid of myself
I didn’t know what to do with it
A woman’s rage
of the horrible truth and knowing
Pain caused in the name of love
all the slights suffered
The more insidious misogyny
Afraid of complete destruction
Burning Madness
Chasing Rage’s illusions
Trapped by going Mad in grief
Never coming back
Reeking havoc
Creating a void
Kali burning in me
A scorched landscape
Fire destroyed
By dragon winged destroyer
Pele’s destructive creation
Just let it burn
Let the flames run through me
Hot flowing lava consume
For I must own it
For to push it awayLeaves it to wander unresolved unclaimed

Subway Preacher

2009-05-14T11:07:00.001-04:00

He got on at 66th Street
And got off at 72nd
Tell us all to go and study
The Bible all day
And pray
For the end of the world was coming to end
And we better get around to getting ready
And as he first uttered
Those loud words
A subtle shutter went through the subway car
As 50 or so people ears suddenly did want to listen
And put up some invisible barrier to his words
Some turned up the volume on their ipods
Others glared at him
Perturbed that their silence was broken
Or their nap interrupted
Others went on with their quiet conversations
But there was no escaping his loud urgent words
And the fact he considered all of us lost sheep
Or Divine children gone astray
That as adults
We weren’t capable of making our own choices
That our lives and loves were all wrong
And there lies my rub
An intolerance of being told what I should do
Or that I am not leading a good life now
Or that by stealing myself away from life
I will preserve my life
These are why I closed my ears to listening to him

Finding the awe in the ordinary

2009-05-12T12:27:00.001-04:00

Many find NYC awesome
To me it is ordinary
The place in which I live out my everyday life
Ordinary to me
Is what others find extraordinary
Riding packed subway trains at any hour in 24
Having little personal space
Adding my hustle and bustle
To eight million others who hustle and bustle
Walking on asphalt and concrete streets
Along towering canyons of glass and steel
Changing neighborhoods from block to block
Hearing the chattering sing song
Of more languages than I can count
The awe in this ordinary
Is the silence in all the magnitude
And the overlooked singularity
I can only hear it at a distance
While on the el line looking at the skyline
Knowing that behind all those windows
Sometimes noisy things are going on
But from the subway window I only see the buildings
Vast bee hives of activity that I can’t see or hear
Or to look over a sea of humanity
To pick on individual to follow their unique path
Though it has been trampled by millions
And so obscured or missed by only but a few
Believe me there is silence in this city
A place where only seeing past the obvious glittering facade
Through the barrier of glass or air
To where the seeming extraordinary is ordinary

New York City nights

2009-04-16T16:37:00.000-04:00

Were I a giant
And New York City
A luminous carpet
Against the night
I could tiptoe among the lights
And pick the prettiest
As a bright glowing bouquet
Let the rest of this glitter lighted grid
Spread out before me
To wander in
As if in
Black grassy fields
Covered in sparkling morning dew
To splash up sparks and fireworks
On my feet
Then I could take in all this amazing buzzing city
And its infinite dazzling wonders

I could gather up
Night lighted
New York City
As a luminous bouquet
To fill my arms
Buzzing with hundreds of languages
Or busy working ants in all those sky scrapers

In a yellow cab crossing the Queensboro Bridge
Into Long Island City Queens
Notice that New York City
Is all laid out before you
And in an instant I want to swallow in whole
All the light of the night
The Pepsi-Cola sign on the East River
The Chrysler Building
And let it light me up inside

Spring Cherry Blossom Showers

2009-04-15T15:29:00.001-04:00

Dreary grey the spring morning
Still threatening rain
Damp seeped in to the tired chill air
In the slightest swirl
They were all around
Delicate pink white
Cherry blossom petals
Drifting and dancing
And all of a sudden someone
Turned on a warm light
Playful happy

Plato’s illusion of shadows

2009-03-20T15:19:00.002-04:00

Plato’s illusion of shadows

It is a dream
that we are taught
that most girls carry around
and for most come true
but mine became a
secretive fanciful illusion
played out in wishful thinking
and fantastical imagination
Filling the little empty times of the day
to where is has become
a crutch of daily life
spinning its thread
into an almost imperceptible
gossamer cocoon holding me back
disappointment burns inside me
how I have stood
and look at these shadows
dancing on the wall
chained to sugar coated dreams
that kept me drugged for their perpetuation
instead of me turning and facing reality
all kinds of things held me there
but mostly all kinds of fear
I gave the dreams power
to abuse and warp my dream into
protecting me from pain and disappointment
but fear’s shadow’s really kept me
from seeing hopeful genuine possibility

Triumph's threshold

2009-03-12T09:28:00.002-04:00

Short is my feeling of triumph
for seeming to cross a threshold
maybe of realization
or silly giving in to self acceptance
for I fight myself
and for myself
and finally give up
and there is the threshold
I give up being afraid of the dark
trying to get a solid night of sleep
controlling things I can’t control
adjusting to the way things are now
and forever in flux
subtly shifting focus
as shifting my weight from one foot to another
or closing one eye
then switching
my triumph is still there
though not as ecstatic
of calm happy knowing
I have shifted to a better place

The Pueblo Wind

2009-02-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

The Pueblo wind
Swept across the desert into my window
Warm swift
Whispered quickly in my ear
After the storm
Shook me from self indulgent mire
Of disappointment and dashed expectations
Sharp light clear
Made shadows dance around me
Lit through silk orange pink curtains
Seeing time philosophical
A journey not rushed before it’s time
Reflected upon through a prism of
Of measured hopeful ends

Spot among winter's trees

2009-02-11T16:24:00.001-05:00

Here is my spot
Just enough clearing
Among the bare winter saplings
Surround me to all horizons
Nimble architecture of branches
Poke their grey leafless limbs
To the blinding bright blue sky
Let me be one
Where the winter wind still clatters in my branches
Toes gripping the cold earth
Fingers stretch out tall
My soft pink bark to know the elements
To feel the first signs of Spring

Will Winter never end?

2009-02-10T10:55:00.002-05:00

Good grief! Will Winter never end?
I know it will but right now I have either the winter blahs or cabin fever. I want to get out side and do something - ANYTHING. It is boring just going back and forth to work - being inside all the time. I am dreaming of laying out on green grass, under spring sunshine, with birds singing and bugs buzzing, soaking in Spring. But to step outside today - blah.....gray!

A little help from St. Theresa

2009-01-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

Today it was St. Theresa’s prayer
Maybe
That helped me
Slay the monster ambition
Aroused by a whisper
About something I want
But am not ready for
I remembered I have the power to choose
How I react – How to view it –
How to not let it rob me of my inner peace
It was on the subway ride home
When I slew the monster
By realizing the monster ambition
Was an illusion

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Turning negatives into positives

2009-01-19T17:51:00.002-05:00

Let’s talk depression and anxiety

This has always been true in my life and something I think I learned from my father – that long walks, especially in winter, can give you answers to what is troubling you. As far back as I can remember always having the urge to take a long walk and preferably talk to a trusted friend to help me work something out. That is certainly true of today. It was on a long walk that I had a little epiphany.

It always starts when something gets knocked in my world. Something changes. The negative thinking begins. It pulls me off my positive thinking – the negative thinking starts, the worry starts. And sometimes no matter what I do I can’t get the positive, the negative thinking just takes over and is a relentless circle – like a dog chasing its tail. Then suddenly I am shaken out of it. It is little things and maybe I am getting better at seeing the pattern soon and so don’t let the negative pattern take hold. I hate that sometimes it can be such a battle to be positive again – to break the grip of negative thinking, but when I do break it I feel always a renewed sense of purpose and genuine hope. So what was it this time that got me back to the positive? Like I said it is little things – an article from my sister about depression and how the slightest stressor can start the negative circle, then realizing that getting out and helping other people gets me both out of the “focus only on me-feel sorry for myself – me, me, me” cycle but it gives me a reality check on others who are either better or worse off then me. I connect with others instead of being isolated by myself. When I am depressed I can’t even muster trust and hope – my spiritual practice becomes like ash about me – it feels as if I can use it or trust it. Negative thoughts for me are like alcohol to an alcoholic – the negativity just doesn’t stop.

But there are times, like my walk this morning, when I realize that I doing the negative dance and I stop – I get my reality check – my positive thinking returns and my problems don’t seem quiet so insurmountable. And all that trusting I did - even when it felt like I couldn't trust anything - well - I really was trusting - trusting myself. And that is what ultimately opens me up to the answer or insight I need.

Wild Mustang Fears

2009-01-17T01:26:00.002-05:00

Panic’s wild mustangs race through my body
Wanting only to escape
Tossing me out of control
A wild stampede down the narrow canyon
Along the dry bed of the arroyo
Throwing up dust of my illusions
Racing forward to me
Gathering in me
As in a chorale
They come in close mingle
Press in on me
Jockey for position
As a sunset turns rocks glowing warm in twilight
What do I name first
They gather around
Jostle me for attention
Who comes forward first
The bold one is “She who fears that hoped for things will fall apart”
And her faol “Uncertainty”
She nudges my hand with her muzzle seeking attention
But “She who fears the future being alone”
and her faol “ no one has my back – only me”
Nudges in for attention
“She who sees what she wants but is scared that others will stand in the way”
Her faol is “Other’s misconceptions and assumptions”
She comes to me all most in tears – seeking comfort and reassurance
Look in her deep brown eyes and stroke her withers
Hug her and bury fearful tears in her warm coat
They are still wild – they buck and rear
Panic flash from their brown eyes
They still rampage around and inside me
Then the shy one “She who is confident and knows where she is going”
She is quietly at the edges of the herd slowly moving to be near the center
To nudge my hand and leads
Just walk slowly
Talk to them as they follow along
Chased away the fears
Trust me – trust yourself – trust the deep inner calm
Walk along the dusty arroyo
Look to Lady Stardust’s simmering night
In darkening evening twilight

Running away from Christmas

2008-12-31T16:41:00.000-05:00

I want to run away from Christmas
I think a lot of people do
I don’t want to write about Christmases past
I thought I did
Like Dylan Thomas’ “A Child’s Christmas in Wales”
To tell of happy memories from the past
But I can’t
Too much stuff goes into it
I can’t pull myself back far enough
Detach myself to see it’s blessings and glories
For the hurt I feel now
It is a major accomplishment if I can get through “the holidays”
Without a major emotional meltdown
It takes a lot of effort on my part
To limit what I do and how I feel
Christmas has not ever been especially joyous for me
They have always been very complicated and full of disappointment
Our consumer culture has sold us all a bunch of lies
The happiness can be bought –
There are most precious gifts that can be given that are not bought
But rather given to help others – out of kindness and generosity
Giving from the heart
It’s that what all the movies tell us?
Now, don’t get me wrong
I believe in this season of quiet waiting
This season of giving from the heart
I believe in being with loved ones, sharing time and good cheer
Helping other who may have less than me
To spend more in quiet of this season
I just think we spend too much time and energy
On the wrong things in this season
Instead of spending money we should open our hearts
There should be only 1 week of shopping for Christmas
If we have to have it at all
I would almost rather that Christmas and New Year’s
Were treated as any other ordinary day in the year
Yes, I still want to watch my favorite holiday movies
But I think I am going to flesh out my DVD holiday collection
So I can watch them when I want
And not have to watch all that shameless propaganda what we should buy
I think I will spend more time in quiet enjoying the dark of winter
I will not listen to all the news – I get enough to know what is going on in the world
I will spend time with friends – and find ways to give to those who are in need
I will do some traditional family baking
I will spread good cheer
At Yule time
And leave that Christian holiday to the Christians

ordinary pine trees

2008-12-31T16:22:00.000-05:00

Ordinary snow spine pine trees
Bristle in winter’s ordinary frigid cold
Hearty against gray sky’s snow veil
Not photogenicly dripped pillowed white splashed
With winter sun’s pale light as in after the storm

Alone’s soul sinking ache

2008-11-17T11:47:00.003-05:00

Alone’s soul sinking ache
Is more than having Beloved as company
It is this reality of being alone
For now all things are in Alone’s hands
The burden of caring for the present
And worrying of Alone’s future alone
Leaves an almost unbearable ache

There are times when Alone’s heart dreams
Only to wake to a reality of unfulfilled wishes
Alone has no shoulder to cry on
No warm body to curl up next to at night
No toothbrush dripping in the bathroom
Or fishing dirty socks out from under the bed

Alone now struggles
With a dream unfulfilled
Giving gifts limited by opportunity
Of an uncertain future alone
Questions ring in the ears
What will happen to me?
Who will love me?
Who cares?

Don’t accuse Alone of being depressed
Or of not having friends
Or of not caring in return
Being alone with no Beloved
Alone stares starkly at the limits of life

Maybe Alone is deluded
Thinking that Beloved
will be supportive, financially solid, caring
Will know every nook and cranny, joy and sorrow
That with Beloved
Alone’s wings will strengthen spread further
Allow Alone to go places as yet are unexplored
Go to place Alone can’t go
Places where two spirits that come together go

Still, tears burn watering Alone’s soul
In occasional despair of time both gone and unused
Centered firmly in the now
Against Alone’s fears pushes hope

Samhain 2008-closing the door on grief and facing the fear of living alone

2008-11-06T23:24:00.005-05:00

Samhain is a Wiccan time year of letting go of old things, facing up to fears and to prepare, in the quiet of this dark time of the year, for the new. It is a crossroad of the year, a time to make an honest and realistic evaluation of your life. It is deep in the dark and silence of the earth where the seed waits to grow.

This past year has been a very difficult one for me, a year full of loss, sorrow and grief. I have lost a lover. I have lost my beloved cat of 18 years, Ariel. I let go friends that were not positive forces in my life. I have been to edge of woman’s grieving madness. There were times when I wanted to die myself to escape all the pain and sorrow.

Here in the Celtic New Year, I close the door on all that sorrow. In order for me to move along a new road I must let go of those things that have died in my life. This doesn't mean I forget or don't stop to remember. Rather it means it is time for me to move on and put away my grief and sorrow.

The anniversary of Jeff's death is coming up - and that is when I will put the things I have that were his away. I will take down his pictures. I will make one last memorial to him and our time together and to my grief. When these things are put away it will be over and done. On that anniversary I move on.

I spend this season between Samhain and Yule preparing for new things by stepping into the quiet of winter and I focus on caring and loving myself and making myself happy.

Now there is a fear I must face and name – living alone.

I envy my married friends and family – they, at least in theory, have a partner to stand with them in life. To be there, one hopes, through thick and thin. Someone who is there to support and understand.

And I am sure my married friends envy me because I don’t have that attachment. I am free to do as I please, I don’t have to consider another. I don’t have to be responsible for someone else.

As appealing as living alone may sound it is a huge burden to living with someone else – I can’t rely on any one else but myself. There is no one here to take care of me when I am sick. Nor is there someone there whose shoulder I can cry on or turn to when things are rough, even for me to support them throught thick and thin. It is only me to push to get things done, to clean, go to the doctor, take care of financial matters. I don't have anyone else to fall back on. There is no one to balance off my weaknesses or my triumphs. There is no one around to calm me down when life gets too stressful. I am the one who must talk myself down from my panic and fear. I must do it all for myself – I must keep myself in balance. I don't have another to balance off external or intimate to me. I face sorrow and grief alone.

Yes, maybe everyone should try to be this responsible for their own life, but it is hard – especially as I get older. Having faced the deep grief of death, and as I turn to something new, I find that I want to put things in order. To try safeguarding my future – without a significant other if I must.

You might say “well, your friends and family will help.” That only goes so far. Oh! Yes, I have friends who are there for me and who help me out. I have a wonderful posse of friends who have helped me through my grief and sorrow, and I am grateful for their help and understanding. But ultimate I had to face all of those things alone, with my own strength or courage, or even lack of it. I was the one who had dig deep into me and find ways to cope. We all must do that at some points in our lives, but I have to do it all the time.

This is one thing that couples don’t understand about their single friends. Because they are a couple they loose sight of being single, of having to take care of your self in every sense of the word, frequently without the help of others.

I certainly hope that things change for me, that I do find that significant other. But I am also are realist and know that I have to take care of myself without that intimate support.

I don’t want to be pitied rather understood for my struggle. I have the strength to live alone, if I must – and I must for that is where my current reality is. I can tackle only so many problems at a time, work to improve my life. But doing alone with only my courage and resources is limiting.

This maybe where I hit the sociology of being a single woman. Society still looks very differently on single women then it does single men. At least I have sensed and even experienced this. I don't have as much standing in either my family or in society in general. While my parents didn't push me to marry - I am sure they worry because I don't have a man to take care of me. I think my parents still feel a little responsible for me because I haven't married. I think society still holds on to the notion that if a woman isn't marries she is somehow incomplete. That isn't as strong as it use to be, but these notions do still subtly work on how people act over time. Now, I also know, and have experienced this, that single woman don't have as much economic clout. I certainly don't have the financial standing of my married friends. I don't have the same spending power then if I was married.

In trying to shift others perspective away from their personal myopic world - and to give friends and other the chance to see another perspective. For this perspective I ask other to imagine your life without your significant other. What would you have to do to live? What would your life realistically be if you lived alone? What would your life be without that support? that intimacy? the companionship?

My life's purpose

2008-10-18T09:49:00.001-04:00

I live to nurture creation’s fiery light deep in all our souls by acting with wisdom and truth and passionate creativity through all I do in life, empowering the connection with life’s mysterious wonderment so we all may learn to live in love, caring, and grace.

Ariel Pumpkin 1990-2008

2008-10-07T00:20:00.003-04:00

The nights are whats hardest

Part of the bed is empty

Your pillows gone

Your blanket off to be washed

And my heart breaks missing you

Especially in the middle of the night

When I would reach out to give you a little scratch

You would trill to me

Sleepily slant your eyes at me

And start purring

You might stretch out one paw

As if to say to me

"Awwww, hi mom, pet me"

You sat on the corner of the bed

When I came home

Sqawking at me "where have you been all day"

We then had our greeting

Me laying on the bed

and you would walk around looking to be petted

Being scooped up and put on my belly

To have your face and shoulders scratched

That was your favorite place to be scratch

Well, you all loved your ruff under your chin scratched too.

I loved it when you would crawl under the covers with me

Though damn sometimes it took a long time for you to make up your mind!

You loved to get picked up and put on my ample breasts

Stretch out to have your tummy rubbed

Petted down your long grey tabby body

There we would sit watching TV

You knew me so well

When to let me sleep on Saturday mornings

You just love being with me

Hanging out with me on the bed

My whole apartment is empty without you

Wandering around

Curling around my legs for attention

Sitting in windows talking to the birds

It is at night

Your warm furry purring form

Keeping me company

That I so deeply miss you

I reach out to where you slept

You are not there

Having my friendship "cab light" on

2008-09-18T10:05:00.002-04:00

This, for me, falls under the category of small epiphanies.

I have started a workshop focusing on discovering what I need and wanted in a loving, intimate, romantic relationship. One of the phrases repeated as last night's session was having my "cab-light" on to attract the desired partner.

Well, as I headed home last night for this session I felt a little intimidated by the idea of having my "cab-light" on most of the time looking for the right guy. Somehow I fear that having my light on will attract undesired sort of men, but then that is what boundaries are for. Still I had not convinced myself that this was such a good idea.

Then this epiphany hit me, put my cab-light on to attract new friends. Now I do want to attract new good friends into my circle. In the past year I have had to end friendships that were not healthy for me. Now I want to attract friendships that are healthy for me and putting my cab-light on, in this way, for my soul and psyche seems to be a more comfortable way to move forward, as well as priming the my head and how I project what I want to the outside world to attract the right guy for me.

So now I can say to myself - yes my "cab-light" is on to attract new friends into my life - including that special guy friend.

The Cyclone

2008-09-18T07:23:00.003-04:00

The Cyclone

The Cyclone
On a July evening
Clear cloudless twilight
Coney Island’s midway begins to light up
The night sky with its neon glow
Carnival sounds filled the air
Hawkers of games of chance
Children sticky with cotton candy
Bells, whistles, laughter
In this magical reality bending
Carni land
A rickety roar
Scream out loud laughter
Draws you in the direction of
The Cyclone
A roller coaster of renowned
The spectacular ocean view
Takes your breath away
Just before you are thrown
Down in stomach sinking terror
You are tipped off
Head long down a 60° hill
Then whipped around a curve
By sheer speed and gravity
A bone jarring
Wooden rickety
Teeth chattering
Body vibrator
Adrenalin rush
Lightener of the soul and spirit
1 minute 50 seconds of therapy
Making life a little lighter

Last night's sunset

2008-09-17T11:19:00.004-04:00

Yesterday's twilight sunset
took my breath away
It was one of those displays
That strips away the grimy varnish of the city
And casts a shockingly clear light
Hued orange pink
On twilight dipped facades
While ominous grey-blue clouds
Filled the sky
Casting everywhere but for the brillant sunlight
Only some low hanging cloud puffs
Were painted pink by the sun
I just stood there and watched
This play of Light and Dark

My New York City

2008-09-14T11:29:00.008-04:00

My New York City is not the city of Fifth Avenue and Tiffanys. My New York City is more humble, not as swank or stylish. It is a city I live in, traipse and travel around, and always marvel at. My New York City is about waiting; waiting for the bus, subway, to be seated at a table. It is about everyday hard working people who are not all that rich. New York City is the place I live and work in. New York City's glitter is what it projects to the rest of the world, but beneath the glitter is a far more grittier, gutsier place.

For me New York City has an energy, an electricity to it. I am always being caught in of New York City, its vitality, its bravado, how it moves 16 million people a day through its five bouroughs.

But I have found that you can't let New York City over take you, overwhelm you, or let the wool be pulled over your eyes. It can seem fast and hold out endless, dazzling amusements that can make any persons head spin. Don't be taking in by this 24/7 city - if you try to run at its pace you will burn yourself out.

9/11

2008-09-11T11:14:00.003-04:00

This emotional glass has been filling up for a few days now. I find myself holding my breath in anticiaption of this day. Then there are the memories. Where I was, what I did, the decisions I made. They play in my mind like an amatuer movie skipping along the time line. It is tiring to play the movie. It starts and stops in strange places.

Maybe those who weren't in New York City 7 years wouldn't understand. Yes, we all may remember this day and where we where, but for me I was here, on that day in my city when all those horrible things happened. It is very personal to me. It is a day when time stands still. It is a day that reverberates in who I am. Those vibrations intensify for me on this anniversary.

I almost can't help recounting the day to myself. Where I was and what I was doing and the events as they unfolded for me.

- running late to work - as always
- coming out of the subway around 9:30 and being vaguely aware of commotion - crowds of people looking downtown from 14th Street. I couldn't see the towers from where I was
- meeting a co worker as I walked into work. He came out to see if he could see the towers. He said something about one of the World Trade Towers being hit.

It seems today like a wave that slowly started crashing over all of me on that day.

- reaching work the turbulence was building. Some work was getting done, but there were people trying to turn on TVs and radios to get the latest news.
- news reports started coming in - the TVs picked up signals - the pictures of what was happening started to reach the office.
- by now all work had stopped. Both Towers hit. People began panicing.
- I called my brother to make sure he was okay. I got a call off to my parents and left a message that both of us were okay.
- I called my landlord saying I was okay and didn't know if I would make it back to my apartment that night.
- I got those calls out before all the phones went down.
- Now the office was springing into action making sure everyone buddied up and had a plan to get somewhere safe.
- I headed to Doug's. He was still living on the Upper West Side at that time. A coworker gave me a ride to 100 Street and 3rd Ave and I walked West through Central Park.
- As we walked to the car I remember seeing a man covered in grey dust. He was using a water bottle and towel to clean himself off.
-All the streets and avenues were filled with people walking out of downtown - all of us had a look of shock and vacant disbelief.
- Not only was our car competeing with other cars, but also people walking in the streets. Somehow traffic moved - slowly - even though I can't remember if the traffic lights were working or not.
- Stores where giving out water.
- People where streaming North.
- I got to Doug's around lunch time. From his place I could see people walking north all afternoon.
- TV was still broadcasting replaying the images.
- my boss calls later in the afternoon. I tell that I am safe and that I will take the tomorrow to work my way back to my apartment.
- Yes, I watched the images over and over again. In shock it was hard to fathom what I was seeing. We finally turned off the TV - I became overloaded and we didn't want the kids watching it.
-The next day I left my brother's place to make my way to my apartment in Brooklyn. I clearly remember the choice I made to take the subway. I thought to myself - If I am going to die today I am not going to die being afraid to travel about my city. The subways were up and running so homeward I went.
- 9/13 I went to work, but I just too anxious and unsettled. I left work and went home. I stayed home for two more days and through the weekend just keeping life rather quiet.
- Yes, there were days when I could smell death in the air. It is a sickening smell.
- I didn't activity seek out going down to Ground Zero but when I passed or came near it the emotions I felt where overwhelming.
- Even as recently as last winter I visited Ground Zero with my nieces and I couldn't stand being there - the sorrow and anguish are still very real to me - the hole in the ground very much like an open wound still.

There are reverberation that ripple through my life, even now, but those ponderings are for another day.

For Jeff

2008-09-06T16:17:00.002-04:00

Well, there we have it. A quiet visit back to where it all began. Heavens, I miss you. It seems much of the anger and disappointment doesn't hurt so much. That does mean I have forgotten, just tempered it. While we had good times, in the end we weren't meant for each other - it hurt that I had to make that call, but that is how it goes. I was there at the Temper of Dendar - remember? You were late getting to the museum - it was after all Marathon Sunday. I talked to you, called you to remember too. It was in the Temple you kissed me and caught me hook line and sinker. I wanted to remember the sweet warm memories, your deep brown eyes, you huge warm hugs - and my heart pinched with the pain of missing you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, a tiny part of my heart is yours - but my whole heart no longer hurts - you are gone and I must move on in life and love.

Mice

2008-09-02T03:18:00.002-04:00

Okay - I have to let off a little steam......Those damn mice! I have caught 14 and there are still 2-3 running around. My landlord claims he has put traps down, but damn they seem to be digging in my plants and I seem to be catching all of them! I am getting tired of this crap! I clean my kitchen only to have soil dug up by the next morning. I was in there kitchen and came face to face with one of those little buggers, He has a piece out of one of his ears - I could have caught if I was quick enough, but it was also 3 AM and I was in my birthday suit - not really in a position to go escort him to my local park. It is just so discouraging - no matter what I do the situation doesn't seem to get any better. I am getting to the point where I don't want to use humane traps anymore - I just want them gone! I don't know what else to do and I don't want to have to be dealing with this during the winter. I am so frustrated and angry - I just don't know what to do.
I may have to give up most of my plants and I just hate doing that - I love having plants and it is tearing my heart out to have to give them up.

Healing past hurts

2008-08-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

It is deep and dark
A smoldering wound
Red hot anger
Simmering
The hurt
That they caused me
And I bring down on myself
Hot tears of self reproach
What salve will sooth this wound
Heal this deep hurt
Learning the lesson that pain teaches
Right now they still smart
Of self recrimination
Consoling through wisdom of perspective
Telling myself things between us just didn’t work out
Or simple time
Soothing the wound by looking at it
Only from time to time
And just letting it be
That over time is slowly changes

Ariel

2008-08-25T09:16:00.002-04:00

I started a post about my beloved cat, Ariel, a couple of days ago and stopped because I thought what I had to say was too personal. Well I have changed my mind, maybe because I am slowly coming to terms with a decision I made.

Ariel is 17 years old - elderly in human years. She has been doing pretty well up until last week. She does have kidney disease which has been under control for 3 years. The episode last week I feel is a warning to me that I better pay attention because her life maybe coming to an end sooner then I imagined. The episode has forced me to face that possibility and other decisions that I have made.

First, I am going to let this take their natural course from here on out. I am not going to frantically try and keep her alive. Part of this decision is economics on my part, as I don't have money to spend on prolonged treatment for a condition that will eventually kill her, but it is also about my cats quality of life as she comes to the end of her life. I want her to be in comfortable surroundings. I also don't want to cause her extra anxiety by always taking her to the vet or emergency room. Furthermore, I want her to be happy where she is, to know that she is loved.

It is hard to make this kind of choice. On one hand to spend money to try and keep her going to do what ever I humanly can, but at what expense to her happiness and my pockebook, that is the key question. I even talked to Ariel last night and told her what I was doing. Heavens knows if she understood, but maybe in some way she did.

I guess this is my way of preparing myself, as well as I can, for what will eventually happen. I really have to take this a day at a time, even an hour at a time if I must. And I can't stop my life, I have to keep doing things like food shopping and laundry and even going out and having fun with friends. I have to try to keep my life in balance while we go through this process.

Cold sufferings

2008-08-11T19:55:00.002-04:00

Here we go
Starts as a tickle
Then a scratch
That no swallowing or water
Will make go away
So out comes the home remedy
hot cider vinager or salt water
But by morning that hasn't worked
It is now a prickly sharp ring of fire
So now I can't swallow without wincing
painkillers don't work fast enough
Hot Lemonade works
Until the painkiller kick in
While I am trying not to swallow
A little drip starts in my nose
little sniffles
One nostril gets stuffed
Then the other
Then both
I hate not being able to breath through my nose
So snuff the decongestants
Swallow
Through the ring of prickly fire
Antihistamines
Hoping to head off my head becoming a cement bowling ball
Wrong
Come morning two
I can't lift my head off the pillow
I don't know how ordinary people do it
Function with a cold
Go to work, drive, wash the dishes
Sure they take the same drugs I do
But they seem to be able to think and hold intellegent conversations
Pppllleeeaaasssse
I can barely get out of bed
to pee, if I must
to feed the cat, can't let her starve
But then it is back to bed
To find the inside of my eyelids
And hope the pressure will go away
Another day can pass
Before finally
The fog begins to lift
The sinus pressure drops
Post nasal drip begins
Snuffling it back
Then coughing it up
That rasp in the back of the throat
That I can hear and then can't get to sleep
So up I get to take the cough medicine
Then to stare at my ceiling
To then drift off
Finally getting a decent nights sleep
And maybe I will go to work tomorrow
If I can not be a space cadet

Instances of Awe

2008-08-01T10:56:00.000-04:00

Fresh calm quiet

Summer mornings

Dew sparkling on sun dappled green grass

Fleeting to time and the warm summer sun

NYC pet peeves - 1

2008-07-31T14:24:00.000-04:00

The subway is a big source of frustration for New Yorkers. This particular pet peeve I call men lounging. First this complaint does not pertain to most men. There are some how ever who seem to think subway seats are their personal couches, and so they spread out in all directions like they are home watching TV. This bodily sprawl denies seats to other tired riders, yet these men seem to think it is their god given right to do this. Not only do they lounge and sprawl, but they also sit with their legs wide open – giving their dangly parts room – so I have heard. They too think they don’t have to make room for others. How selfish, discourteous, and inconsiderate. Heaven forbid if you challenge these men and their antics. I saw a woman the other day address a man who had his legs open as if he were a whore. She asked him to move over and to give her room. He gave her a hard time, but she won in the end – with a little petty squabbling seating space. But he pouted like a little boy – which is exactly what he is.

assumptions and expections

2008-07-30T15:05:00.002-04:00

July 30, 2008

Let me use the language of assumption and expectation when talking about making mistakes. We have assumptions and expectations for all kinds of reasons, but I think we have them partly to protect vulnerable parts of ourselves. We shield ourselves by creating assumptions and expectations for how life should be. By assuming another person thinks or acts a certain way, based on some perceived information – only to find out the assumption was wrong can be a lesson in shortsightedness and humility. Assumptions are a façade on our own blind spots and even hidden tender wounds. Expectations can be family or society norms, ethics or ideals that we have learned, make us who we are, but can also blind us to what is not the truth about our lives.

This lesson of assumption and expectation has been visited on me recently, along with the humility of trying to learn the lesson. When such vulnerabilities are exposed my assumptions and expectation took over seemingly either to explain or defend myself, and I end up hurting not just myself but others as well.

And yet it takes a willingness to be vulnerable that can expose assumptions and expectations for what they are – facades, mirages hiding all kinds of secrets. They are illusions that are mirrors reflecting back at us only what we want to see. Vulnerability puts a crack in those mirrors and exposes those facades and mirages and can expose the truth underneath.

That truth can show that life can be more ambiguous and less defined, more messy and chaotic but also creative and wonderful and full of possibilities that expectations and assumptions can cut off, or be made to conform.

Around and about in New York City

2008-07-25T09:24:00.001-04:00

8:30 a.m. Star sighting

It was a flash of recognition

Only on my part

He didn’t know me from Adam

But I had seen him many times

White House News Correspondent of “West Wing”

Brother to Kevin Costner in “Field of Dreams”

I was probably the only one

In that Subway car

Who knew who he was

And being a New Yorker

I let it slide by

Going about my regular routine

Only one added glance

To verify for me he was who he was

Since his coloring had greyed

And when I glanced again he was gone

Maybe off at the Greenpoint Avenue stop

Maybe Metropolitan Avenue

I am not sure

carousel of ideas

2008-07-23T15:17:00.001-04:00

My brain never seems to stop. Spinning around the carousel of endless personal psycho babble and unfulfilled, out of reach dreams of wanting, wanting more money, a special relationship, more exciting/challenging job, different home, to redecorate, to build, create, write. All the time spinning around in my mind and in my gut. All of this has lead me to stop chasing this stuff, to stop and just be. I have to credit the Dalai Lama for getting me to see this in this way. He spoke of Americans being greedy - and we are. No wonder we are obsese and stressed out. We always want more. The real grace is to live with less. And it isn't just money or possessions that we are greedy for, it is for being happy - or at least numb by drugs. We are greedy for land, resources, ideas.

Now this is not to say that I/we shouldn't work toward things or try to acheive important goals. I think we need to work for things, but what I think is that we have gotten too far out of balance in that we want all the time, to the point where we don't know how to just be.

moments of awe

2008-07-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

What a way to start a blog - with something I love to do - write poems. I love to write about things that catch my eye, a lot like my photography. I also like to try to catch moments of awe and turn them into words. Here is what caught my eye today.

Look to rain soaked trees

Summer dawn is yawning awake

Heavy with moisture

Sunlit misty air

Rain drops hang as fluid crystals

Strung along tree limbs

A necklace catching sunlight

Lifting the sticky dew

Making the air glisten